when will it all end?

Friends come and go but True Friends stays.

2012-01-14T19:36:00.001+08:00

hello dear readers, (i dont actually expect any readers to read my blog honestly) how are you guys! anw i rather think of blogging here as a personal spot for me to rant my sorrows or happiness and where no one would actually mind or give a damn about my opinions or thoughts thats running through my head... or actually they do but they've got no choice but to keep their comments to themselves! heh.So i am glad that Byron finally got a post as a manager at a restaurant. I have to admit its actually a miracle. Its not like those ordinary position whereby the manager also have to do the same work as the staff but his job is to actually really manage the whole restaurant and ensure the staff is doing their job. And he works more or less like office hours, he gets leaves, he gets free medical fees, he gets to go for business trips etc.. I am just glad you know? I hope things will continue to get better as days goes. He deserves it. Deep down, we all know he's a potential leader.On top of that, life has been really good. But if you're talking about friends wise, it has been really trashy. I just dont understand how can a friend be such a loser to allow her boyfriend to scold her bestfriend and be quiet about it? Where is your stand? Why are you shutting up when there is a need to fight for your rights? I just thought its not fair and I believe these people are not worth to keep. Im not angry with the fact she went with that useless bastard, its her problem honestly, but the fact that she makes her problem mine, like what the hell? She and her sorry boyfriend should get both of their asses out of other people's life. Its time for them to realize that nobody in the world gives a shit about their relationship any longer? or never have? LOL! Its like, why are you constantly looking for attention? Isnt it obvious enough that no one really cares? Not even their family? lol. So poor thing. Deprived of attention :(Anyway, I am glad that I've let go of these kind of people. Yupp, sad to say, it is a pain but yupp, its not a waste. I dont need people who can never stand up for me. People who are selfish to care about themselves. I am glad to have others who will stand by me. Friends who're not close to me, would rather stand up for me. Can you see how much other people out there who loves me more than you do? Thats why i am contented. I am happy that Byron has been as understanding as he can get. He is such an amazing person. In and out. We have gone through alot and I am really proud to say he's the one. He really is afterall.InsyaAllah, till the end of time.

Short update!

2011-12-24T17:28:00.003+08:00

Well hello everyone. I'm actually too lazy to blog using my laptop. So ya, I'm on my phone at the moment. Feel so bored as Byron's at work and my I'm pretty much am alone with brother at home. I know there's plenty of chores for me to complete but ack it you know? I don't have the mood to do it. Just feel like baking & chillin today. I wanna relax but honestly how do I do that? Seems like everything I do just makes me feel so lethargic. Perhaps i've grown lazy. What can I do?

Anyways! I've got tons of project that's prolly due by next week? Heh! I wish I can celebrate Xmas with Byron tmr. It's the eve today but ah well.. I hope he'll get along fine with his family once again. I just want him to be happy. I'm unhappy when he's unhappy. So please, dear god, make things better for him. I want him to just have a good life.
Gonna do something productive. Zee ya.

words dont come easily

2011-12-17T18:05:00.011+08:00

ay guys i know i havnt been updating much but yes.
you can probably get updates on twitter or my facebook (which i am not active at all surprisingly)
i mean look, its not that i dont have the time but honestly? i just couldnt be bothered. furthermore, who the eff would wanna know about my boring lame life that is not so very boring actually but is filled with dramas and what not.

hmmmmm.. okay im gonna start ranting here alot so here goes. i have been sick. YES. sick! chest infection, bacterial growth in my spinal area, anemia? hah. what the hell. life's short so live it like you mean it :)

Today marks Byron's 2nd last day for his event & i am unsure if i should give him a surprise visit. nyeh heh heh..

and uhm, i dont understand why asians tend to wanna be a Caucasian and a Caucasian wants to be an Asian. HOMAIGOD. guess its true when they say, the grass is always greener on the other side. whoopeedoh.

till then, if there are more updates, i will type it out.
cherrios.

everybody knows you

2011-11-17T22:05:00.003+08:00

i feel like a complete scum. i wish i have some super powers to erase a human's memory manually. I hate this feeling. I hate myself for landing in this state. I always say its okay when i know its not. NO! it never was and never will be! i am a misfit. a complete failure.

optimism is me, and so is realist. I look for solutions not compensation. i dont believe that humans are forgiving cause somehow there will be some grudge linger around that line.
all i wanna do is to run by the road and get hit by a car, dead.

If things doesnt go my way, i tend to say its okay but its not. it burns inside and im screaming my lungs out through a chamber of silence. irony does a trick and im always finding myself doing the same routine overtime.

I will run away though i know i cant hide. I will run till the end. i will keep on running till i couldnt feel my legs, till it breaks. i will force myself to be in the pace for the sake of keeping my relationship. i will do what it takes.
Even pulling the trigger to myself, for him, i will.

i will be what you never wanted me to be.

your note

2011-11-17T21:52:00.003+08:00

Dear Mom,

I just want you to know that you know nothing about us. You know nothing at all. You may think that I am a defiant daughter but you've yet to know how much i've changed. its okay if you think im a sinner because i will take it in. I brought the shits upon myself so i would really understand if you hate me. I just cant accept it when you call me stupid, when you curse me without knowing how much it hurts. I know i've hurt you unintentionally but you dont know what they've done. To think i've done so much worse? i guess you're wrong. no i wont hate you. no i wont reveal what i know because one day i guess the truth will come out on its own. i am no saint and neither are my other siblings. i dont think you would understand where im coming from. so i will have to comprehend.

I hope things will get better. I know you wont accept me now and neither will you accept the one i love but i will take it and suck it up. i wont defy you neither will i go against you. i will go down and be patient with what God have in store for me. for He will be the one who is able to let you understand how things are not as easy for me. Im not a sinner. Im a normal human being who is deprived of freedom in life. I am someone who is being locked in a cage yearning to be freed.

I wont blame things on the way they are. but i will blame myself for swallowing my pride. I have myself to put all the accusations on.

I wont let you down mom. i promise this.
i will get myself back on track. i just need you to be patient with him.... with me.

Love,
your worst daughter.

contact

2011-10-26T19:34:00.003+08:00

one is unable to take control, thus it leads to complication...
one needs to learn how to overtake the situation to avoid confusion..

something that provide desires.
everyone yearns for it at one point of time in their life. dont you be in denial cause ya know its true.

and when the time comes, you just gotta know how to handle it.
you know its right when there is love in there.
you know its wrong if you insert the word "religion".

so do what you think is right for it will determines your path.

love, yanney.

heading back

2011-10-23T01:38:00.003+08:00

i wish we would have less arguments.
its nice to just talk and let out things to you when i need to. allowing yourself to listen to me at times, trying to understand my point of view makes me appreciate you more.
sometimes i think there is no need to get mad at little things cause at the end of the day, we realize how stupid it made us.
and sometimes when you put aside your negative thoughts, frustrations, whatever that makes you angry, you'll find that things are beautiful as it already is. so we should learn how to appreciate and stop thinking about all the nasty outcomes when you know that will never happen.

bottom line is, i just want to share how much you mean to me and that i want to be able to sustain this relationship throughout my whole life.

god's will.

love, yanney.

its much more than just a pinch of salt.

2011-10-18T23:57:00.003+08:00

cause all i ever wanted was you to be okay. do you think its alright to just stand there, looking at you suffer all this shit? when you took everything so lightly? when i can even see how much agony everything is causing you? when the entire world is going against you? when nothing goes your way no matter how much i try to readjust it? do you know its really draining me out?

when all you do is sit around anticipate for a miracle to happen?

its hurting me!

to even have the tendecy thinking im cheating on you with someone else? when its pretty obvious that the topic shouldnt even be discussed at this point of time? when you know how much you matter to me! when you know that i would even turn my back against my family members just to protect you from all the deceit and cold remarks? i would defend you no matter how much people hate you. no matter how those people i love despise you! no matter how much this muthafugging piece of judgemental country we're living in, i would even be there by your side, ready to pull the trigger towards anyone who tries to manipulate or make things even tougher for us!

cant you see how much i love you baby?

when all i think about at the end of the day is if you're okay? i tried not to care. the more i try, the harder it is. to think about not caring about you is just absurdly ridiculous! how can i even try not to think about you for a single second?? everytime when im with my friends, i'd prolly wouldnt even notice the worried look that's printed on me twentyfourseven without fail. cause you know it bugs me the whole second, thinking if everything is really doing alright on your side cause i know you'd lie to make me worry less. deep down i know nothing is really going well.

every morning i try to hold my tears back and insert some positive thoughts so as to keep on going strong and carry the day out well. it aint that easy.

and every night i try not to think about it, try not to let the tears roll too much as i wouldnt be able to sleep, just afraid of tomorrow. always afraid of tomorrow.

what is this feeling? its really driving me insane!

my palptations are not running smoothly. everytime i feel like dying i just know that i have to be extra patient at this point of time cause my instincts tells me it will be over really soon. i just need to wait. but d'you think time is giving me mercy by adding so much crazy emotions inside?

i know i can never ask anyone else for help. not a single soul. not even my friends or families. im keeping it inside. keeping this between us. only god knows. so i believe he will help you, us. i just know. i gotta be strong and optimistic. i need this. i need Him to give you strength. i need Him to lead you the right way cause i love you so much!

bismillah.

night.

Conflict

2011-08-12T15:35:00.006+08:00

Im trying so hard to be a motivation but all i get is failure, so tell me if I should quit. Im not looking for pain, Im looking for comfort but why did i allow this unceasing agony remain in my zone?

Over pounded issues kept on shuffling in my head. Baffled between love and infatuation. I promised myself to be on the safety ground and never to cross that line. You triggered me at my weakness moment, Im on the edge of the cliff as you heartlessly watch me struggling to keep myself at the lightest pace. How could you be so callous?

Telling you the truth brings you pain, but why did I lie to hurt myself instead?
And now I back in wonder. Have i made the right decision or have i disappoint myself in this lane?
I dont know cause i constantly doubting you again and again.

Cape Town

2011-07-27T16:06:00.002+08:00

and i intended to move here.

We'll see how it goes :)

and your green eyes,

2011-07-04T16:20:00.003+08:00

I hope i'll be able to love you for eternity.

Im going out to catch a movie later with him. Sooooooooooooo cant wait!! hopefully i wont be disappointed cause i kinda expect a few things in mind. hah!

but then again, i shouldnt expect anything because usually it wont happen if i do.

so Byron slept over at my place on Sat night. damn it was a pretty frustrating cause he misplaced his wallet in my apartment! i was pissed with him cause there was his ID and Cheque in there. but thank god he checked through properly and we found it. i was tired that night you know and he had to make it worse by loosing his stuff -.-

nevermind that. my brother got off at me as he stayed over without mom's permission. well, mom wasnt around so i assumed i could let Byron spend the night here. unfortunately my brother got really worked out. I could see he had the urge to vent his temper on me but since my boyfriend's there, he couldnt (like obviously)

im sooooooooooo happy that things are back to normal with me and Shikin :) i wanna tell Byron about it later when we meet. haha! and i cant wait to end this internship.

im still planning on where to head because apparently my sister doesnt want to go to Bali.

Things are going well with the family. cant wait to go out with mumsy soon!

Work is normal. im just glad July is not a bad start. hopefully it will remain this way till the world ends. hehe!

blog soon!

love, yanney.

so its fridaye?

2011-07-01T10:07:00.005+08:00

Good Morning Readers!

it looks like im going to be active with my blog once again ay? haha! sadly i dont have much pictures to update with because i havnt been cam-whoring. to be honest, i have lost interest in taking photos. i mean i used to enjoy taking pictures of myself, or you can say self-obsessed? HAH! i just dont really enjoy snapping anymore. i only do when i think i should or if its really necessary.

Anyway, Byron's sister sent me a personal message on facebook. its surprises me because i've yet to meet her. im kinda excited to meet her in person! she looks so gorgeous in pictures :) and from not being able to trust my boyfriend, i dont see a reason why i shouldnt trust him. he opens up to me very well when i myself know that he doesnt do that to anyone else. he's naturally shy unless he's with me. when he looks at me with his green eyes, i could just melt in an instant. its weird because his eyes changes color. when he was younger, he had blue eyes, and then it changes to ocean green. then back to blue. its super weird! but whatever it is, i love him. HAH! okay thats so corny. lawl.

Im about to doze off any minute now on this desk. i cant do so because they're having a meeting and the clients could see me through the glass pane.

ITS FRIDAY TODAY! omg. why does it feels like monday all of a sudden? probably because im just so tired? :( boooooooooooooooo!! i miss this feeling name, HYPER! where have all my energy gone to? beats me -_-.

later guys -.-

time for a plan!

2011-06-30T09:48:00.004+08:00

Not only have i mentioned this once but i have been talking about it for..... BILLION OF TIMES!

FREEDOM!

baby thats all i need right now. the smell of waves and strong wind blowing against my skin, intense feeling of satisfaction. OMGOSH! i want that so bad right now.

sitting at the office facing the computer, doing boring stuff... i mean, cmon man. WHERE'S THE LIFE?

i intended to visit Bali during my september holidays. since i dropped the idea of going to Czech Republic (dont ask me why cause im sure you guys know why) i was thinking i should spend more quality time with my love. im planning this trip. we shall book the tickets soon. besides that, my step mom has a house there. i could probably drop by and say hi.

I miss this whole family bonding thing, so much ;(

i miss my mom. i miss listening to what my mom has to say about me. i could see how she tries not to open her mouth when she's with me. i dont know. isit because she's afraid to hurt my feelings or to just avoid conflicts. i hope she'll be okay soon. i know something is bothering her. we dont talk like how we used to anymore. i miss mom :(

i've got nothing much to do in this office. i suck at doing what they ask me to do. which obviously resulting me in blogging crappy stuff. i dont like this job. i hate it! i want my life back. i want to be in school. i wanna have a choice. Im sucha misfit cause all i do is complain. I complain when i have too many task, i complain when i dont have anything to do. i mean, WHAT THE HELL DO I WANT MAN?! uggghh. why isit so difficult? ;(

wondering what shall i do after graduate. dear god, i need your guidance.

have a great day guys.

later gators.

first cut is the deepest

2011-06-29T16:37:00.003+08:00

I woke up next morning with you lying right by my side followed by a nice warm smile along with a "good morning" supple kiss. Spending my entire life with you is like asking God to put me to a place called heaven. Well, i hope you'll be part of me someday. Im quite surprised with how our hands are locked together throughout the night. We're both so pure, so innocent and delicate. I just love how you would rub my back, providing comfort and how i'd feel sooooooo comfortable having myself tugged right in your arms. The security is just too perfect.

The feeling that i have towards him is so strong. I remembered when my friends told me he was going to be a nuisance. The amount of time we spent with each other might result in flatness towards the relationship which the both of us are intensively against at.

I wanted to believe him. but im so used to trusting my friends. we'll just have to see how this goes :)

and im proud to say this,

i've fallen hard once. it broke me into pieces and my heart froze into ice.

but i didnt give up, cause now i've learn to fall again, harder this time leaving no regrets :)

later readers! good day!

im attached.. again?

2011-06-22T14:20:00.004+08:00

its over between Martin and me. there wasnt any love. it was just, infatuation.

i talked to shikin over this and she asked me to never accept anyone who's just like Ega. its like im playing with fire. i wouldnt wanna hurt myself. and i realized, this stupid relationship have to stop.

Thats when i met Byron. We started off pretty smooth. I like how he keeps me warm and go like, "cmon Juliet, we're gonna be late" and whispers "i love you" when im stoning my day off. I love the amount of attention i get from him. Its so overwhelming! We just happened to be together for sucha short time but the mutual feelings and understanding is there.

Why must you wait when you know that person is the right one? when you feel like everything seems like its meant to be? Why cant you grab that chance? cmon. we only live once. if he didnt catch me that instant, i would've just walked away.

We were on top of the building roof of his mom's condo, the view was splendid. infact, the place is restricted. He told me he've always wanted to bring someone special up there but he didnt had the chance to find the right girl. i felt so special!

that night we saw not one but TWO shooting stars! i know its like most people dont get to see them and im happy to say IM THAT LUCKY TO HAVE SEEN A FREAKIN SHOOTING STAR!

he asked me to be his girlfriend right away. my heart melted. i didnt know what else to say but to accept him :)

i think i've made a right choice this time. its definitely not infactuation. its like we're destinied to be together. its so freakin crazy you know what im saying?

i've met his parents and he've met my dad. i just love how close we are now. so fucking close.

im gonna go botanical gardens today with him! cant wait! tho i feel really tired, im sure we'll have fun laughing next to each other :)

later guys.

so tell me

2011-06-12T01:22:00.002+08:00

cause i wonder why you can't make time for me when i can do anything for you.

reason why you're hard for me to forget.

2011-06-12T00:22:00.001+08:00

Another day at the office

2011-06-09T15:55:00.002+08:00

Honestly, i feel like dying right now. Every second feels like an hour. And every hour feels like eternity. Alot of things is bothering my brains right now, today. I need to get out of this desk and hit somewhere tonight. Im thinking of a club.

im going. who's coming with me?

how do i say goodbye?

2011-05-29T23:43:00.009+08:00

Remember how i used to say "cant get over with this whole bullshit of school. i just want that bloody certificate in my hands and im done!" and how much i used to curse school?

Today i realized that i've yet to meet amazing people whom i'd treasure so much. i never knew school was this fun(well its not) but with you guys around, there's always mirth. when im down, you guys would just make some stupid jokes and there ya go, im alright already.

i dont know what to do without all of you for 3 months. sitting at the office all alone? i'd probably go to lunch alone too? :( i dont want that.

Yeah i know its like the working world and thats how life is but really. i dont want all of that. this time i take back my words and i have to say, i dont wanna leave school because i dont wanna leave awesome people like you guys ;(

Its so sad just looking at the photos. pictures taken in the lab. its so crazy how i wish to have all of you as my colleagues instead. i just feel so down right now. i know its alittle bit too emotional for me to express myself this way but thats just how i feel at the moment.

We have to meet up for lunch one day or something! (god knows we'll be complaining/ gossiping about our colleagues, so typical) ahhaha :)

Tmr's a big day. wish me luck?

night.

give me everything tonight

2011-05-20T23:20:00.005+08:00

Best thing about being in LDR?
you can tell people you're single and they dont know a shit!

infact, it feels like im single now.

i dont know how the fuck did we end up in an argument.

i know i kept expecting things from you and didnt realize that but you know, im in need now. i just want you to be here and tell me that everything's gonna be alright. stroke me by the hair and mouth that 3 letter words like you mean it (and if you dont mean it, dont bother)

im selfish and im aware of that. i want to be loved but i dont wanna be in love. i hate the fact that im self centered all the time not thinking about consequences or emotions of someone i find so special to me. i miss someone and i think its you.

im tired of being the one person who sits and wait. you need to understand that i cant do that. just get your ass here fast, cause im dying (ok drama)

anyway, cramps just gotta pull my mood down. told abang i was craving for kinder bueno right when he stepped in the house after work, you know whats the sweetest thing?

he went out again just to get me what i wanted. thats what i need :) thanks abang. love you!

He's gonna call me soon, god knows how much my phone bills are gonna cost.

night guys.

you heard me

2011-05-19T13:53:00.007+08:00

one of the best nights i had. danced all day just cause i miss dancing :)

its crazy how i bump into loads of people in the club whom i know. Singapore is a small city i tell ya! everybody knows everybody. got a little shock cause Jake kinda acknowledge me as in you know, shook my hands (when we dont really talk in school) and he knows JunJie (my secondary school mate) then JunJie knows my pri sch mate (Fitriyah) EVERYONE IS LINKED TO ONE ANOTHER!

wish no one really knows me that well you know. i wanna remain mysterious :)

made a few friends that night.

i cant wait to go to Europeeeeeee!

gotta get going. later.

unwind

2011-05-14T02:05:00.005+08:00

and the truth is, i miss you.

(no that quote above was from the lyrics of Morning Sun by ColdPlay)

infact, i dont miss him. i just miss how we used to be so close. so fragile. so madly in love.

i was walking by pasir ris at prolly abt 11pm? heading back home from Hui's Chalet alone. it strucked me that, that day, this photo, both of us went there, and had a pretty much good time talking :) i miss those days. i wish he could see how much he meant to me before.

but all good things come to an end. its okay, i've moved on :)

i have a problem with my partner. HE IS SUCH A DICK! im sorry but he just made me think that he's the most horrible human i've ever met (thats abit exaggerative but..) really!

apart from that, life is getting a little alright. im not always partying but im contented. i kinda studied myself this few weeks and i thought i could really put off without getting hammered in a month.

it kinda made me feel somewhat alive and more thoughtful. i get tensed at times but i think thats pretty normal so i should try and get used to things i dont like to do. make it a habit. prolly i could kick all those old habits aside.

That above is the most recent photo of me. They're people i hang out with, go to lunch with, laugh during FYP with, catch a movie with.

when the people i share my sorrows and crazy laughter,

is her?

dear shikin,

i hope you're doing alright down there. i hope everything would be back to normal again cause this awkward silence is driving me nuts. im muting myself just cause im following your pace. i hope your heart recovers soon and opens up to tell me how you feel.

you know i'd understand.

You.

2011-05-06T19:04:00.003+08:00

you're so different. i know i have not develop strong feelings towards you but the gentle touch you gave me made a huge significant in my life.

and about 3 months later, you will be sponsoring flight ticket for me to get to Europe. what more can i ask if this is what i have been dreaming since i was 4?

i dont know if i should probe on this relationship but i honestly dont know where we're going. its like im sailing with no directions. just basically reading the stars to navigate where im going.

and i hate that if i'll let you down cause i'll feel so bad about it in the end. i dont know what you expect from me but i know i expect nothing at all.

its like i've known you forever.

lets just see how this goes?

for the first time

2011-05-01T20:56:00.004+08:00

hi, i cant believe im sick. sitting on my bed with a cup of choco quaker oats. heh.

probably shall continue sleeping? shrugs.

mom's injured in bed. she fell when she was on her way home from work. dont really know what happened but yes. her arms are swelling, dad flew back to Singapore as soon as he heard abt it and sent her to the hospital this morning as she kept on complaining how painful it is ;( i hope she'll be alright soon.

so im supposed to head universal studios with sister tmr and meet a couple of my friends for steamboat unfortunately im unable to make it as my manager shifted the schedule and put me to work as its public holiday. im kinda sad at the same time a little pissed but whuteva.

gotta stop complaining bout things i dont wanna do and start doing something productive.

i havnt been talking to this boy for ages since he went back to Barcelona (i look so ewgh here so dont mind)

dad's calling me out to munch something with him and watch HBO? haah' yeah, as if im spending quality time with him before he heads back?

alright. ciao.

agony

2011-04-10T21:51:00.002+08:00

i cant stand the way you could just simply tick me off just like that.

do i even matter to you? you dont even give a damn about my opinions. yeah its your fucking life but fuck it. why do you even bother to confide when you wont even listen to my solution?

you made me hate myself for being there for you and even give a damn about you. i cant stand the way he ill-treat you bcus i love you. i just need answers. WHY!

you know sometimes when you're at the point where you are so mad at yourself that you just wanna scream and unable to explain why you react this way?

YES! im in that situation!

it hurts.

im in a shit-load of pain ;(

bye.

2011-04-05T17:09:00.004+08:00

when you take a toll of your life, you'll realize its all a deception. you dont know who to trust. you dont want to trust your instincts albeit knowing they would never deceive you. then you feel like crawling back into that someone's arms.

it gets complicated over time. who can you turn to if its not Him?
but you're ashamed. ashamed to face Him alone, though knowing running away from him will only keep you safe temporary cause you cant hide.

if only heroes exists.

you, again.

2011-04-05T17:09:00.003+08:00

nobody said it was easy, its sucha shame for us to part.
nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard.
oh take me back to the start.

i blew it

2011-01-30T02:22:00.003+08:00

you know its really right what she said. i mean, the reason why i feel empty all the time is cuz im not devoted to Him. you need to learn to love your religion then you'll find peace and tranquility (which i have difficulty in)

you know everytime i go to his page, my eyes kept on staring at it as my hands slowly move the cursor, navigating his pictures, looking at it over and over again for a couple of times and asking myself, WHY DID GOD MADE HIM GORGEOUS? then i wished he was madly in love with me.

like, he's so all american. no, im not talking about Eric. its Chris!

for christ's sake. i have slept with him and god knows why i kept on emphasizing that i left no regrets WHEN I DID.

i mean, i figured this whole bullshit out. i think i did regret bcus it hurts me to see myself being used by someone just as an excuse given as "wanting to gain experience" i mean, thats total denial and i dont see why i shouldnt be mad at myself. i took an oath to do something stupid and there you go miss stupid yaney! you get what you deserve! AGONY!

i just missed that crazy feeling that you get called affection. i knew feelings would get involved before doing unimaginable things but i still went for it cause i tend to avoid these emotions that i personally thought might be over dramatic so i believed that time will heal all wounds. thus avoidance is the way to everything. but reminiscing all of it, ITS A WHOLE LOT OF SHIT! trust me.

i am sick of this really.

i mean, who do i deserve to be with when i treat everybody in a very mean way? no, i am not dating anyone at the moment. i am not willing to be in a relationship now and i think single is good bcus whatever you have, its all yours. you dont have to share or compromise. you know what i mean? its all for you! heh.

oh darn my boobs are shrinking. fuck!

and its close to 3am now. i am just full of envy.

night guys.

confused?

2011-01-21T17:56:00.006+08:00

im at the point where i slowly stop to believe. as im drowned with baffled contemplation. im standing at the same stance, motionless.

you know when you got that strong connection with someone and that someone feels the same way as you do, but his feelings deliberately turned into a thing called love.

i mean, love is very wide topic to discuss about. and i could even tell what type of love he had for me. it was like a friendship, brotherhood-kinda love. which irks me bcus my type of love for him was totally different, something stronger. it was a love that needs affection.

i mean, its really hard for me to feel this kind of attraction towards someone and i do towards him. i feel i could be myself, i could be me anytime i want. i could just throw my hands up and just let my hair off the knot. you know what i mean?

the chemistry we had is just beyond capacity unfortunately distance is another matter. i hate the fact that im always being placed at this state. and sometimes i dont get it why i just cant connect with some local guy? its seems so difficult and my head is telling me how impossible it is repeatedly.

i am weird. i know.

remember the time when i thought Ega was the right one for me? yeah like i said, I THOUGHT HE WAS. but i figured he couldnt accept the gradual change that strucks me everytime. he hates changes. but thats who i am. i cant deny for the fact that i love to change my style and personality like how i change the casing of my contact lens. only a hypocrite would say they never change. bcus people do. its just what type of change it is. it could be physically, mentally, emotionally.. depends.

then i realize, i have known Eric for close to 5 years now. we skyped and all, and he never fails to humor me. he never stops emailing. he treats me like im so important to him. i could feel it. and to differentiate between him and Ega, i'd say Eric is open to changes. he willings to accept the other party's flaw. he tries to put in effort. probably bcus of the age gap? Eric is slightly more matured than Ega is. Eric is my definition of a true friend. he's the type who would suggest things to me and if i dont like it, he would ask me what would i wanna do without getting offended. whereas Ega wants it his way. and if he doesnt get it, he will get upset and will do the reverse psychology like, "yeah, its cool. im used to it" then i thought, if you're so used to it, you really dont have to mention it to me, you know?

to make it short, i could feel sincerity in Eric, but not in Ega.

and at the time when Eric told me how much he wants me to be happy, and how much he deeply cared about me, my heart stops for that moment and for that moment, i just wished he was mine. i just wished i was there with him, spending crazy time together, drowning into more. you know? just enjoying his company.

the most painful thing is to know that he's dating this girl and is consider to be in a serious relationship with her. i dont know. it was painful the first time he broke the news to me. but i think i could accept the fact that me and him could never happen and that i should be happy for him. i mean, thats what true love is right. you're happy when the person you love is happy. its like a natural gesture. thus you expect less.

i, honestly have no feelings for anyone else. my heart has turned into a stone (how cliche)

i'll just be the one waiting outside the line... i guess.

i need a miracle.

base down low

2011-01-20T01:10:00.003+08:00

about time for me to update.

have you ever got that feeling when you know everyone is around you and you are never feeling lonely or alone or probably have the time to even reflect on yourself?

and then the next minute, you notice that, you ARE alone. infact, you always have been. all those people around you, the atmosphere was just a temporary effect that lets you escape from a crazy, horrendous situation.

okay, i may be abit vague in what im saying but yeah, no one understand me cept myself, yada yada yada.. it happens -.-

i've really come to the point where i am really drained and the point where i am being a f lazy cow that i totally neglect my responsibilities and always avoid them nonstop. i mean, when the hell am i going to face the music?

i need a male bestfriend. no, really. i need one.

way back

2010-12-09T02:20:00.003+08:00

if only life was so carefree.

my school is sending a bunch of students to Adelaide, Ega's uni for attachment. i hate the fact that the application deadline is over and i missed it.

i wouldnt mind paying for a large sum and going with the school (which is safer) just to probably see Ega there.

then again, i should just go for a holiday to Adelaide instead of attachment. right? haha. i dont know. thinking of going for a holiday when my bills are not settled? dang. i really do prioritize on my wants and not needs -.- should stop doing this.

so yesterday i webcammed with Ega and it was good to see him. it felt as if i was on my way back into love. yeah, it felt good :)

i have lots of things to do in mind but my fingers wont stop fidgeting on some other buttons, influencing me to let go of anything i really intend to do. lol!

im gonna go now. its getting pretty "early" for my class today.

night. wait, morning ;)

when things gets ugly

2010-12-07T23:19:00.003+08:00

i am on the verge of killing myself everyday. i never look forward for tomorrow and every night i would wish i'd die in my sleep. how could i be any more thankful to god. seriously.

have i turned to a pessimist? anyho, so sorry i havnt been updating for ages. i am seriously busy having so much fun with my life (tho sometimes i tend to not appreciate what i have and keep on asking for more) i still think life has been fair to me.

whatever things that happened (things im unhappy about), lets just call it karma. i deserve it and i've gotta learn to accept things the way it is. STOP COMPLAINING. yes, thats what i should really do.

the next think i know, 2011 is here! wtf? the beginning of 2010 feels like yesterday. time passes like me sipping on a cup of coffee (no link, i know)

i am officially a lazy bumm. i havnt been doing much of school work and its kind of worrying for my thoughts. i mean, what could the consequences possibly be right? -FAIL.

no, thats the last thing on my mind. i can never afford to fail. its something that i really have to avoid and keep avoiding. i need to at least smell a fresh 'A' in my grades. i dont have to touch it, but just smell it. LOL!

my mom's bday falls on the 8th of dec which is tomorrow. and guess what? im broke (whats new?) and i need to think of ways to please her tmr. apart from that, i have a major lab test to sit. i am not that excited, plus, im pretty tired for the day.

men.

i havnt been contacting anybody lately. last person i contacted was Nizam and that was it. i couldnt feel any spark between us tho i tried so hard to create that chemistry however i know chemistry cant be created by humans. it just happens.

i cant develop any feelings towards anybody neither do i want to. and i dont know if i still have feelings for Ega bcus im trying to protect myself from getting hurt by anybody and that means boycotting every emotions that might just develop by accident.

i cant handle love. love cant handle me.

avoid is the solution :)

i dont know if im happy but im contented for now. all i want is money. i think everything has turned sour for me thus resulting me thinking logically instead of emotionally.

which is both good and bad. but who knows whats good and bad? NO ONE. yep. so (i know i say this alot but i really mean what i said) GO WITH THE FLOW.

yes. thats what i have been doing and i will keep it going.

night.

tuesday blues

2010-11-09T20:56:00.003+08:00

i have been pretty much busy lately.

its so great to be home early today.. feels serenity. lol!

so many things to jot down not to mention i get lost in class most of the time. i swear everything seems so foreign to me. all i need is a miracle.

talked to Ega last night. yes, as some of you might have guessed, tears rolled as i scanned through photos of us. videos of me dedicating a song for him. it seems awfully sweet and i couldnt help but cry.

He said i havnt changed one bit. just that im so much confident right now and he like it that way. to be honest, so do i. perhaps the experiences that i went through after the break up are the cause of what i am today.

i dont know what else to say now. kinda dumbstruck.

alright im off for some productive study.

adios.

trick or treats

2010-11-01T03:23:00.004+08:00

halloween was nuts.

its not as if i have not realize how wild im turning into right now.

bcus what i feel is that, im not. and who cares about doing whats right and knowing whats wrong. my definition of right and wrong might not even seem to be reasonable for some. i dont seem to care when people starts being judgmental on me. is it bcause i have really gone wild?

i dont know. for all i know life is too short for drama so why not party all week and forget if you ever had problems.

but seriously, these few days i have been getting calls and texts from people asking me to party. its kinda like wth bcus they dont do it last time and it suddenly gets super active now.

what really made me wanna club so much seriously?

if only i dont have school on thursdays i swear i will club on ladies night every week bcus we get free drinks, and i only pay for cab fees which is pretty much affordable considering going to and fro only costs less than twenty five bucks. zirca and rebel would be the best option to club at. st james is way too far.

okay lets not talk about this too much bcus all i tweet and talk about is clubbing and more clubbing. it gets annoying sometimes.

so anyway, i have school tmr and omg. i just realized my manager is being sucha sweetheart by letting me off from work early bcus she realize im sleepy on sundays (sat night party night) so i went home at 7pm. how sweet :) went straight home and knocked out.

yes, i miss my bestfriend so much. we havnt met for probably.. a week now. its kinda hard to meet bcus her schedules are tight and mine is like not-so-very-busy-but-when-im-free-i-will-club-instead-of-hanging-out. haaaa -.-

oh i read her blog today and with awe, she misses me too :)

shall meet her soon. like real soon. or maybe i should meet her tomorrow? we'll see.

i have school tmr and its close to four, still awake. wth.

im gonna go have a hot shower bcus its freezing in this room and i feel abit sticky (eww)

nights.

naked

2010-10-18T17:28:00.004+08:00

it happened again.

though i know i am not that kind of girl who would toss the matter off in a day or two, i still pursued the wrong. no, im not saying i regretted what happened but all im saying is, it should be something more. unfortunately its not so i have to say its kinda sad that i tried too hard in hoping of some return.

i finally realize its not going to happen no matter what. and hey, i should know where i stand.

im nothing compared to the other. im just a simple human who happens to be completely naive about her world. dont blame me for being vulnerable on the inside.

these days full of thoughts and negotiation with my brain is exhausting my mind out. i need some mirth to pull this ache from my cerebrum before i take a pill and just end it there.

should i continue being what i am right now or try to adjust myself just as i was before?

everything has changed and it never seem right. sometimes i dont know who to turn to and end up pouring with a stranger. it sounds pathetic i know and im ashamed of the state im in now.

i've not only disappoint the people around me but i just let myself down. the agony of watching myself through the mirror everyday is creating an urge for me to punch that puffy cheekbone. the more i pursue my happiness, the more pain i get. so whats the whole point of committing in what i want?

im yearning for joy. real laughter. spare me a joke someone.

you're not yourself. she's not herself. he's not himself. they're not themselves. we're not ourselves.

im just not myself.
im completely naked.

flamby

2010-10-13T01:37:00.010+08:00

i seriously have issues with men. i mean, its hard for me to get totally into them.

yeah sometimes i spot a hot or cute guy etc but i'll look away. its like i've taped my heart and eyes or probably flirtatious desires.

every night i'd pick a guy to start a fight verbally. it humors me when they reply me with the lack of intelligence. and i tend to win the war the whole time. then it comes to developing some kind of a rigid wall right onto my arteries to block all of the feelings that is trying to tear the wall apart. some kind of a shield to my heart, prevents me from getting hurt.

i know this is not the way but hey, today was one of the best days of my life.

spend time with my 2 girlfriends and we couldnt stop cracking our butt off. i swear they provide mirth every single time im with them like all of my problems suddenly grew wings to fly off my brains.

saw someone who looked exactly like Ega during dinner at ZamZam. he gave me this look like, "i know you." so i had to return the "i know you too" back. we made wavering eye contact. EVEN SHIKIN SAYS HE LOOKS LIKE EGA! and that sort of melted my heart for a second.

i couldnt stop looking at him and unfortunately i have a feeling that he thinks im attracted to him -.-" couldnt help but to stare at him. haaaa!

then after dinner, comes this indonesian guy, talked to me and we introduced ourselves. well he didnt just come up to me for no reason. HE WAS ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS TO THE NEAREST MONEY CHANGER. lol! exotic much? yeah but i know he couldnt take his eyes of me. NO, im not tryna brag bcus i can read people (tho people doubt that) i really can. dont underestimate me please.

so lets continue my story. we chatted and stuff. funny bcus he didnt bother to introduce himself to shikin or shida. neither did he even make any eye contact towards them. truthfully, he looks as if he was all over me.

thankfully he was the most goodlooking among his friends. ha-ha. i really have no idea whats up with me an indonesian really. they kinda remind me of Ega and honestly, it gives me a warm feeling, i sorta like it.

dont worry, i just kinda yearn for that feeling again but im not going to fall in love with some random guy bcus i dont believe my soulmate is anywhere near me. so im going to block those emotions from entering and use my instincts to judge this annoying species called, MEN.

dear soulmate, dont turn urself up now bcus im not ready fer yew. i'll call you when im done. HA!

so lets end this; awesome day and great night. couldnt ask for more.

will update when i feel like it.

adios ;)

when everything falls apart.

2010-09-28T15:00:00.003+08:00

have you ever felt like you've done something so wrong that you wish you never did? something embarrassing. i dont know whats up with me during this whole month but i would feel that way without amiss at least ONCE a day! and i would just wanna hide myself from the world... in a paperbag if it works.

the next thing i realize, i was close in loosing my dignity.

it hurts me everytime i look at myself and i think that im capable of doing so much better and bamm, i blew it in an instant. yes, im being very thoughtful right now.

i feel the need to change the aura and perspective i have bcus i can see myself evolving into something unpleasant. thus i need to think before i do anything and have a sense of EGO and pride. i cant simply throw myself like that. i need a barrier to stop me from going insane as from the looks of it, I ALREADY AM GOING NUTS.

time for a change yanney. time for a change.

as for love,

all i can say is, it couldnt get any much worse. im not gonna bother about love bcus love suck balls and love, keeps you from going sane. which means when you're in love, YOU ARE CRAZY. you are out of your head. so please dear readers, NEVER fall in love. just loose it.

be happy being single bcus. SINGLE is the new love. hahahhaha!

ok im crapping again -.-

alright yanney. cherrios.

GOOD LUCK!

mad at myself for being impatient

2010-09-20T01:01:00.006+08:00

(pardon my pic. i know nobody would see this so i put it up here)

what is really keeping me to hold on?
dont you know i still keep your emails? dont you know its the first email i would look forward to read other than any other?

and when im alone, you're always on my mind. and when im with someone so close, your voice came in my head asking if i was happy. but what if im not? are you gonna be sad just like me? what if i say i want you, would u still consider taking me back?

i feel that the decision i made was wrong.

perhaps i should wait a little longer. just a little bit more of patience. bcus whatever i did made me feel so much worse than i felt before.

i wish i could just vanish away from this world bcus from the looks of it, my dignity slowly evaporates leaving me to look foolish to most men. i feel like a complete fiasco as i try to fix myself to become a better person. its not working but why am i always trying so hard when every minute i tell myself i'd give up?

all i want is YOU!

tho i know it hurts deeper when we were together, i realize it agonize me more when we're not. loving someone doesnt mean you need to own them but what does it mean when i really want to be owned by you? selfish? is that the term?

then i want to be selfish. im willing to lose everything else that i have. im willing to fall and drown myself if thats the only way for me to have you back.

im willing to do it. you could've just say it.

say you want me back. say that you didnt mean what you said. say you're sorry and you want to make it up to me. dont leave me on the lurch when you promise me you'll never.

dont break your promise Ega.

i still am very much in love with you.

oh yes i still do.

random

2010-09-16T22:54:00.004+08:00

so today i got up the train after work. Was feeling uber exhausted when i saw a guy who reminds me of Channing Tatum. His well built body was so awesome i couldnt let my eyes off him.
Then he walked pass me with his arms brushing against mine, entering the train as the door opens. i noticed he was reader too, just as i am (but im not much of a crazy reader like haz.. Hehe) so he somehow got my attention. I was pretending to look at my book when i secretly was trying to find him at the other cabin of the train. Ofcourse, he was visible :) his body was facing my direction. as he turns his eyes on me and grabs the pole, indirectly showing his biceps, i had to clear my throat in nervousness. Lol!

I was hoping he'd alight at the same stop as me. And to my delight, he did. I heaved a breath to control my excitement. i dont know. It seems like exciting somehow. *shrugs* i marched towards the escalator trying to keep up with his pace and went forward, hoping to catch his attention. I somehow felt he gave me that though i know he was right behind me. As i got out and turned to the exit, our eyes met and we hold a gaze towards each other. It felt, peaceful and somehow, made it curious for me to get to know him. His eyes reminds me of the velvet zesty color of my shirt.

i knew he was right behind me. And we went up. then i realized my pace was getting faster and he was trying to keep up with me. i managed to catch the lift before the door was closed and was hoping he would be able to catch up with me. And so when the door was close to shut, i thought he wouldnt make it but his hands appeared in between the door, followed by a sly smile. Yes. The smile was for me. he almost caught me blushing but out of luck, i controlled it.
my heart was thudding hard and the look he gave me was as if he heard it beating too fast like the beat of a horse ride. he was being a gentleman by letting me out of the lift before he did and i smiled. It was just, romantic (somehow) i walked down and he fasten his steps. Then i caught him walking right beside me. i was nervous ofcourse! my heart was racing like a cheetah. it was pretty amusing bcus i caught him looking at me and then trying to approach me somehow but i was so nervous that i had to pretend to text someone. He looked away and we continued walking side by side, awkwardly.

The next thing i know, we went on our separate ways. I was really hoping he would pop out and surprise me by asking my number but unfortunately, my hopes had drawbacks. so by then, the pavement was left with me, and Dear John.
Moral of the story? if we're fated to meet again, then let god decide.
Nights :)

blade that cuts

2010-09-13T03:56:00.004+08:00

i have to hold myself now. i cant just jump along with my feelings. i need some restrictions/ boundaries to put a halt onto my crazy ideas in order to avoid any unwanted comebacks.
suddenly it feels solitude. im not enjoying this one bit and i meant what i say. i'll admit it feels serenity at times but MOST of the time, it aches. i just had some emotional moments few minutes ago. i couldnt help tears from rolling down on my cheeks. my heart dropped as soon as i tried to convince myself that i really do miss Ega. i desperately, insanely, out of my headly miss him. i miss the sweet accent in his voice and i miss the way he would try not to laugh at my stupid jokes when he knows its amusing enough to.
its a decision i made that was difficult and very contemplative. i took months into consideration and finally came to a proposal to cut all ties off. well, not all ties but just to degrade ourself into a step lower in the term called, friends.
knowing im always comfortable telling him whats going on with my life and problems that i encounter, i never thought i would continue this comfort even after the break up.
strange isnt it? i feel as if he is the one and only person i am attached to. i've grown inside with. its so crazy that i just want him with me this very moment. i dont know if the decisions i made is right or wrong but i have to say it was the wisest.
but who knows.
if one day i were to spot him across the streets, i might hug him. its something we would probably do. but it might get abit awkward then bcus we're not really a couple anymore. i would honestly take him back into my arms if he is willing to give me extra attention that i need.
bcus deep inside, i know there are traces of his love running through my veins. something i would always deny having. something i thought that has already vanished when the fact that it was always there, hanging onto my valves.
thats when i realize, i need him more than anyone else i've ever been with.

let us let destiny judge and settle everything on its own. if we are fated to be together, then im sure God will let the path flow on its own. he always knows whats best for us.
im gonna go.
nights.

2010-09-11T02:37:00.002+08:00

hands down, im too proud for love. But with eyes shut, its you im thinking of. But how we move from A to B? It cant be up to me cause i dont know. Eye to eye, thigh to thigh, i let go. And i think im a little bit, a little bit, a little bit in love with you. But only if you're a little bit, a little bit, little bit in love with me.
come here, stay with me, stroke me by the hair. Cause i would do anything, anything, to have you as my man.
And for you i'd keep my legs apart, and forget about my tainted heart. And i will never ever be the first to say it still a game over. I would do it, push the button, pull a trigger, climb a mountain, jump off the cliff cause u know baby i love you love you a little bit. I would do it, you would say it, we could do it. It was you and i, and i only haa humm!

i dont know

2010-09-09T23:54:00.003+08:00

i am bound to be blinded by whatever is happening to me right now.

i know what i did was wrong but it feels so right. and all i could think of right now is him. i know he yearned for my touch bcus he was going nuts intending to meet me up right after my job last night.

yes. our lips meet again. this time round it was passionate. i feel as if there was something in there. something different. i dont think that we're even doing it for the sake of doing it. for all i know i dont think he had the same feeling as i have now. i want him. and i know i want him to be mine.

the fact that he is not the perfect dream guy for me pisses me off. i think im a little bit in love with him. just abit. but the fact he doesnt or is not ready to be with me brings disappointment to my thoughts. i know it was lust. it was meant to be just like that. i hate to admit this but i swear he is the most amazing kisser i've ever kissed in my entire lifetime. that obviously made a very big impact in my whole love life (i guess).

i know i can do this bcus i've been through this exact situation. i have to control my feelings for him. he told me honestly about him going to meet another girl the next day. and THAT, THAT! THAT obviously hurt me. i hate to really tell the truth but i felt a tinge of pain and i almost cried. it was something, unexpected. its my fault and that is clearly true.

yes, he still is giving me the attention that he promised he would but, doesnt he get it? i want to be the only attention he is drawn into. the only attention in his life. i know im that selfish but I WANT THAT! there is no reason for me to be some kind of perfectionist shit ass chick but how can i get in love without hurting myself?

what am i? who am i? please lead me.

lead me to the right path.

love, yanney.

simply irresistible.

2010-09-08T04:16:00.002+08:00

i couldnt believe i made the first move. its like my hormones are getting a little bit too hyper and giving me adrenaline rush. he was holding me in his arms and my fetish for sniffing his neck was active. kept sniffing like a female dog and i couldnt grab a hold of myself.

yes. i've been longing for affection. and i wanted that from him at that moment. lust is what i could think of. being around someone who smells incredibly lustful was nuts. HAHA! i meant smells really good and tasty.. yumms.

our eyes locked into each other, body pressed and our lips almost too close to contact. i could feel his breath and i could count his heartbeat. a second passed as he leaned forward and went for my lips. i gasped for air. couldnt handle that amazing kiss probably lasted for 30 minutes! i've never kissed anyone this long! i could feel his wet tongue licking onto my lips for some moment. funny i could actually talk and laugh while our tongue are still attached. it was just, amazing :)

we did some talking too. it wasnt purely physical contact but yeah.

he was being honest to me, and insisted on the term FWB. i declined ofcourse. told him that it sounded cheap and i never want to be like that. but truth is, i dont want him to be my boyfriend. neither does he met my criteria. but im yearning for his touch, his breath, the scent and warmth of his skin. fuck it.

control yanney.. controllll!!!! hehehe.

anyway. i have a test tmr. GOODLUCK TO MEH! :D

nights.

slow down Mr Love.

2010-09-06T03:56:00.003+08:00

so i thought i wouldnt get any nice guys around.
God has really change my perspective. i dont know if this guy would be the one i would really fall for. i mean, i thought it was love when i was with Ega. wait. I ASSUME its love. maybe it is. but no one can question love. it just happen. infact, love IS complicated and what not?

last night was beyond speechless. i was refrained from voicing out my thoughts. its like something completely unexpected happened. i never knew he was such a sweetheart. the last time someone came over to my place during the wee hours when i was hungry just to pass me food was like... ages i think? and Faizal did that for me the very last night. im, moved :)

to think he would cab down here but no, he walked.
to think he would chill out with me and you know, get something in return but no, he didnt.
to think he did it out of impressing me but no, it was sincere.
i couldnt think of anyone as sweet as him. good looking! yes, thats a bonus ofcourse.
i dont even think i deserve such guy. or maybe i do? oh yanney shut up and stop acting noble here. heh! ofcourse i deserve this kind of guy. DUHHHH!

thank you God. i love you so much.
<3 he's asking me out this Tuesday. i thought it would be too soon but nope, i think its something very enticing. everytime i get text messages from him, smile just slithered across my face! i would just beam in joy! lol! i dont know whats gonna happen next between us but, lets just let the ball roll on its own shall we? :D

nights.
love, yanney.

lesbian.

2010-09-04T01:50:00.003+08:00

I cant believe i just did it.

yes. i left him.

i dont have a proper description to give on what im really feeling. neither am i saying that what im encountering is traumatic bcus it totally isnt.

yes, i've put up a white flag on this whole mutha fucken piece of trash.

relief? hah! hard to judge bcus im not sure if i am. dumbstruck? most probably.

lets not hide anything here. to be honest im starting to use vulgar more often and i know that is not appropriate at all! esp for a girl like me. but who the fuck cares?

so here goes,

Bootches. they have caught my attention lately and i cant seem to figure out why is this happening to me. i know it sounds psychotic but it is fact! am i really, secretly, discreetly gonna fall for a girl? slowly, turning into a lesbian?

*shrugs* lets just say im just gonna go by the flow.

im gonna fall blindly and i'll take a mini peep to whoever gets to catch me perfectly :)

i need a fairy tale ending sooo badly! SERIOUSLY! LIKE.. NOWWWWW :(

just another day

2010-08-28T03:42:00.002+08:00

for one split second it ran off my head. yes, i was about to blog about some fuck twit this very moment and something caught my attention causing me to let it flow off my brains.

anyhow, i had a fantabulous night! caught a flick with the awesomest usuals.

the guy who sat beside me in the theatre happens to.. well should i say, look cute? haha! infact he is cute. so im guessing that im pretty much am a lucky girl bcus he clearly was attracted to me (somehow i know bcus he's knees kept on bumping into mine and he purposely brushed his arms against mine) get what i mean?

unfortunately he thinks that Ijat is my boyfriend bcus apparently he was wearing the same grey color long sleeve tee as i was! baaah. i know right -.- and this is not the first time we're wearing the same color when we go out! anyway lets not get off track.. as i was saying,

this guy assume so (or shall i say i assume he thinks that way) bcus right after we got up from the theatre, ijat was like walking beside me and the moment that guy laid his eyes on Ijat, he gave me a short glance and then looked away in disappointment. I SWEAR THAT LOOK WAS REALLY OBVIOUS.

damn i really hate it when people think im attached (and i know that i am) but im not physically attached so.. why bother to be shy about wanting to approach me?

cmon GUYSS! you dont expect us girls to make the first move right -.- dudes, where's your balls man? bahahha.

im gonna go now.

its really late and i probably should get some sleep. adios.

Happy

2010-08-27T00:44:00.004+08:00

what does it mean? for a second i thought it something to be achieve so easily then i know, its not. nothing result in happiness. happiness only last for a moment.
caught a romantic flick titled If Only. it kinda upset me when i realize that i deserve to be treated better. oh boy i might be boring my readers if i continue to talk about that man. but i just couldnt help it. you know?
at first i thought maybe he's busy with studying and thats probably why he act so cold towards me, so i told my friends on how i feel and they think that i should understand his status right now. i mean, how can i get attention from someone who lives like a few thousand miles away from me right? so i decided to give a little space.
but the current situation now is im getting used to it. whats the point of calling it a relationship when you dont communicate? AT ALL?
emails. whats the point of having emails when you always neglect mine?
thats it. thats fucking it. i am so tired of this. its time for a break up. TIME FOR A BREAK UP!

wish you knew!

2010-08-26T04:56:00.005+08:00

i dont know whats up with him and me right now.
what if he wants to let go but is just waiting for me to spill it out to him?
now tell me.
what kind of a relationship is this when the boyfriend just simply ignore the girlfriend after seeing her name popping up on msn window chat?
what kind of a boyfriend who goes like "(hugs) wish i was there for you" when the girlfriend complained/tryna ask for comfort from him about her getting chased by a psycho guy?
what kind of a boyfriend says "you got the wrong boxing shorts" for his birthday gift when the girlfriend was trying so hard collecting her hard earned money just to buy him a pair of boxing shorts for his training which ironically is not something that she fancy him being part of.
what kind of a boyfriend would forgot to reply back to his girlfriend emails?
what kind of a boyfriend gives up when all the girlfriend wanted was him to hold on?
what kind of a boyfriend acts cold towards the girlfriend during the moment of her needs?
but then,
what kind of girl is she to be enduring all these shit from that boy whom she claims to be the love of her life, her perfect soulmate.
he just freaking had to do it didnt he? tarnished her dedications.
what are these months of waiting for?
seriously.

burah.

2010-08-22T12:23:00.004+08:00

i havnt been blogging and knowing that Haz is back active on her page somehow makes me have the urge to blog again too.

well im not sure where to begin expressing my thoughts and emotions but all i can say is im living by the flow. i hate the way my boyfriend treats me and hearing other people's perspective of it is like a wake up call. okay i think its more of like alarm ringing without me acknowledging it.

seriously. how i wish he could understand my needs and wants. its not that difficult. whyyyyy? i mean, of all the people in the world, WHY SHOULD I GO WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESNT EVEN STAY IN THE SAME COUNTRY AS I AM? wtf am i thinking? have i gone insane?

perhaps its the month again.. yeah im talking about the period that im going through when i crave for a sudden attention and care from someone.

i need attention.

i need affection.

i need a hero.

2010-07-13T20:40:00.001+08:00

brick by brick. we'll get back to yesterday.

maybe sometimes the reason we're apart is due to unexplainable theories that are meant to be unknown until we die?
i dont know.
for my case is different. i guess?
today marks the 8th monthsary of me with Benjamin Ega Irawan Zadha. to be honest, i dont even think we're together. yes. we do have strong feelings for one another but the distance is undeniably painfully nuts.
im not even sure what status we are in right now. its very... vague.

but im not going to say anything more. i have no rights to make any decisions right now. im just gonna go with the flow and let Him decide for me. yupp. i trust Him with all my heart.

bye!

an experienced fiasco

2010-07-12T09:59:00.002+08:00

nah this is not an early morning to begin with but i was having a deep thought.
no i dont wanna do this. no i dont wanna be in this course.
i want to do whatever i like that meets my interest. and if this course continues to be of no help or in any progression, i am going to put up a white flag on it.

i am NOT joking.

been really thinking what should i do in basically MY LIFE and i thought i shouldnt be wasting like few years more anymore. so what about the certificate if i dont produce any good shit-ass results?
im beginning to have doubts in this area that im in.
you have no idea how much i hate school and how much its pulling the level of my confidence down.

fuck. but this is so not me. i dont give up. i just push myself (ok no, more like drag) and sometimes when things get so iffy i'd still manage to pull it through.
i am the so called optimistic bitch. and i dont want things to change. i expect it to remain the same and if it doesnt, then everything would be much more complicated as it already has!

im like ranting my shit out of here. im not asking anyone for help but God himself. yeah. i feel so much better ranting here to be honest. like a private entity of my own.
im gonna go. go fuck the wall. HARD.

amigos

2010-07-04T03:02:00.003+08:00

they usually come and go.
you'll make new friends eventually. i've never really had a close friend who sticks with me for at least 6 years. most to most, it would be lost of contact or couldnt be bothered updating bcus we have new friends to bother about (fact!)
so im like that. couldnt be bothered.

im glad to be in whatever state im in right now. thank god for making me such an amiable kid :) i've mixed with a bunch of lovely people and i love them!
tho i know they're not gonna be there 20 years down the road, but i know they've played an important role in my life. thank you everyone who happens to be my friend then, and now :D
nights.

rock this club

2010-06-30T01:49:00.002+08:00

hows my pictuare? heh heh.
so i went shopping with ilyan and shikin. i enjoyed their company. feel extremely comfortable with them :) and thats a good thing btw.
shopping totally made me rise up all the way to the moon! :D its an unexplainable feeling (only girls would understand) i bought new bra from piere cardin and let me tell you that their bra's are AMAZING. unlike those "buy two get one free" where you can get them at the cheap stores. so basically i bought expensive stuffs today; Volcom slip ons, bags, earpiece.. it was pretty splendid you can say ;)

so anyway i might be broke anytime right now. i hate to shop with my card bcus i wont give a fuck how much is left inside (which is bad bcus i would get that kind of shock whenever you check your balance after shopping) then i'd feel all regret and start figuring which stuff that i bought is a need and which is a want. at the end of the day, i'd find myself buying stuff i want and not what i need -.-

been really thinking about my relationship status for now
and i dont want to think about it. its very complicated and confusing right now honestly. i dont even know whats going between the both of us. he's busy enjoying himself in Bali or wherever he's at and im like in this stupid island having exams and stressing my butt off struggling on my studies. ftw. life's unfair :(
guys are asking me out etc and im thinking if i should reject the offer when i really need some company. im not saying physically but verbally. i need someone to talk to. someone whom i can share my thoughts and feelings and spill everything like how i usually do to my other boyfriends.
sigh.

school's a bitch (seriously, whats new on that?) im hating it. wait, I ALREADY HATE IT SINCE THE DAY I WAS BORN. k thats fake bcus i used to love school so much that i would cry when mommy didnt allow me to attend it. haah. well life's different now. things have changed and the world is about to end.
nights.

revitalizing

2010-06-28T11:52:00.004+08:00

im really getting goosebumps over the same dream i've been having.
Ega's Mom.
whats up with me dreaming of her? its kind of absurd at the same time, weird. well dreams always means something (not some psychic thing but something that is going through your head)
and in that dream, i was like treasuring every moment i had with her. you know.. tryna impress and all. but seriously. the last time i saw her, i wasnt really being amiable as i usually am.
so its kind of confusing. why am i being such an adorable sweetheart in that bloody dream when im being a couldnt-care-less-fucktard in real life?

hmmm, wait. it does makes sense. i want a compensation. yeaaaah. thats it.
in my head, im wishing for the time to unwind so i could change whatever has happened to me before unknowingly. no, let me rephrase that; whatever that has happened to ME and HER. yupp. me and her. but then again, what happened between us? -.-
hmm, guess i really want her to like me so much huh?
no point dragging my feet any further bcus it aint working. i've rejected her gift that evidently caused the whole family to picture myself as a rude bitch. what am i suppose to say? NOTHING. absolutely nothing but to curse my ass out.
im about to fart in this library but i guess i cant do that as the place is kinda.. should i say cramped? haaa.
but anyway as i was saying.. that dream is so real that it bothered me so much so that im always thinking of ways on how to impress her -.- i know rigghhhtt.. i wanna stop impressing her. every day im thinking of ways on how to look better and be smarter (that sort of crappy stuff) wondering if my future parents-in-law would be proud to have me as their daughter-in-law.

BULL.
maybe im just over stressed with the fact that i couldnt get my boyfriend impressed with myself so i had to think of other ways which is obviously his kin.
sigh. just let this end please.
wells, back to revision yanney ;)

one two three

2010-06-27T23:54:00.002+08:00

so im at haz's place on her sister's laptop typing out whatever i have to say here.
im kinda pissed with the fact that my team members are being major assholes for leaving me doing the fucking marketplace alone. i swear its stressing my ass out.
i got common test to fret on.. and this bloody project is adding burden to my lungs!

anyway on the lighter note, i had fun with haz and her sisters along with her cousin. it was something i've longed for... BOWLING! yeah. we had fun crapping each other ass out. caught the movie called "she's out of my league" one word, ecstatic. i realize that im capable of getting someone hotter than i am. so what if i look like a scrawny-girl-with-bulged-tummy? i can still get a hot cute hunk for myself. all it takes is confidence :D lol!
.... even though i know im alrdy attached...... hahahahahaha.. nah jokes!

im going to continue doing my marketplace for now.
sooo, ciao ;)

men are bastards

2010-06-24T22:12:00.004+08:00

its a fact we all cant deny.
1 out of a million of them are probably the most nicest living thing on earth but majority are scumbags. wait no.. i actually second that.
fact is, all men are bastards in their own ways. yeah.. thats better ;)
im so sick of them. they dont deserve my commitment neither do they deserve my kindness. men are deserved to be played with. their hearts are meant to be slash with a sharp dagger. they are not worth our devotion and our politeness.
they are a whole bunch of fucking retarded kids who would never understand women. they always want their ways. well guess what? THAT AINT HAPPENING!
no, im not saying that im gonna turn lesbian. im still gonna date men cuz i just love boys as much as i love nougats (LOL) so im going to play this game. but no feelings are attached. yep.. :) no emotions at all ;)
GAME ON! hehehehe!

nights.

FUGLY.

2010-06-24T16:28:00.001+08:00

so ugly. why are you always making yourself look so fricking ugly?
-.-

wish i can stab you to death. please try to dress up at least.
it hurts my eeyyyeess!

RIP

2010-06-23T00:19:00.002+08:00

so my grand dad was announced dead last night. and last morning we got a call to go over his place to do some prayers. was kind of awkward tho. i dont really know how to express myself.

people come and go. then i see crowds weeping away bcus of their loss.

and here i am. sitting by the corner watching their every move feeling kind of.. lost? i dont know if i should be sad bcus i have never felt any love from my grand dad. except his blessings i guess but.. no love. so im wondering if i should cry or not (?)

for all i know, teardrops should flow with sincere. not for the sake of seeing other people crying. so i guess we should all accept the fact that he has passed on and we have to move on too. stay optimistic. the world is gonna end anyway. we're all gonna see each other soon (im talking about the dead)

im sorry to hear about his death though. i hope God would forgive all his sins and reserve a place for him at the paradise. i will pray every now and then for him to be safe in his afterlife event. everyone is going to experience it one day too. its just a matter of time.

ya' know?

exams' around the corner. i should study. but im not doing it. giving up sounds like a good way but hey! thats not gonna come out from an optimistic person like me.

just gonna do whats right.

nights.

doesnt matter

2010-06-18T15:40:00.002+08:00

its 1540hours.

you're in my head. i played the video repeatedly and watched you like some psycho stalker.

thats how much i miss you.

and thats how much i love you.

come here soon?

love is horrible

2010-06-18T03:23:00.003+08:00

who. am. i... to kid?

i had a girl talk just now right after work. shida is officially my doctor psychic. LOL! she was telling me on how im actually feeling towards my rs status.
this is what she said,
im scared (which i doubt so at first) im afraid of putting hopes on the relationship. bcus i dont want to get hurt. im afraid to risk it when im alrdy doing it half way through. so im confused. i dont want to do anything or pursue my love bcus its going to make this feeling worse.

I WAS LIKE OH MY GOD!
she completely read my soul. haha :D
im still a confused child. i have friends telling me he's not the one. i have people telling me to let it go. and honestly at this moment, no one is giving me any encouragement or motivation to drive this through.
my head wants to end this but my heart tells me to stay on. so how? EXPLAIN YOURSELF! please try to understand. my brain is fckin drained from thinking of all the right things to do. and when i just decide to let things go with the flow, people are telling me to react fast before i get cheated etc.

love is being really mean to me. all i wanted was commitment and devotion when all i get is NOT THING. this simply explains everything doesnt it? i understand that he's far away from me so i have to understand his situation. but what if its all an excuse?
i mean, he lies to his mom. so that means he can lie to me too. and that is equivalent to me getting fraud by him unknowingly. being used. yeah.. thats definitely a better word. DAMN IT! IM BEING USED BY A SCUMBAG!.. wait. am i really? -.-
you know what? i really do trust him with all my heart. and no words can pull me from not being able to trust him. but when shida tells me things, i tend to give it a second thought. then i realize, maybe whatever she mentioned to me is true...? who knows? ..right?

enough contemplating lah yanney! what the hell am i supposed to do now? seriously!
God, give me directions. i need your guidance :(

i love you

2010-06-14T18:42:00.007+08:00

tomorrow marks my 7th monthsary with my beloved Ega.
along with 5 months of not seeing him or spending time.
not being able to feel his touch or receiving anything from him.
5 months of loneliness cum solitude, simply A-LONE.
7 months of patience and living without ego. being stabbed by poison right through the four chambers, hurt.

7 months of acting insane and ignoring the world. 7 months of being emotionally insecure. 7 months of putting a smile and laughing to just forget the other hours of sorrows.

7 months of consideration, being lost and unable to speak. 7 months of wishing and dreaming for the time to pass by faster. dreaming of him each and every night just to reminisce the feeling of him being so close to me. 7 months of drowning in a pool of love. drowning so deeply that the feeling whispers encouragement. thus build tolerance that keeps me running to the last line even when i know there is still a very long way to go. 48 more months to go yanney.. fortyEIGHT... but i miss him so much that my body announced dead now.

but i'll tell my soul to keep on going.
with love :)

PMS

2010-06-14T01:05:00.004+08:00

frick it seriously. when i got back home hoping for a miracle to happen..

i noticed.. nobody, NOBODY wants to fricking help in the stupid mofo marketplace.. giving me an extremely lame cum typical reason such as being busy. AS IF IM NOT! i've done the decision making! just by asking someone to wrap it up seems so difficult. im not asking you guys to make decisions. im just really pissed!

and again.. shouldnt have log into msn. WHEN MY STATUS SPILLS BUSY, CANT YOU GUYS JUST READ??? I AM REALLY BUSY! stop nudging when i told you that i'll attend to you later or whatever.

jeeeezzz. FTW! im so mad at everyone. i know im being unreasonable right now. super agitated! i cant take this anymore. im trying so hard to control my emotions and people just had to push my limits.

anyways, i had fun with shikin, shida, ilyan and ejat just now over at the engagement party. but as usual, something just gotta ruin my mood at the end of the day.

&*^%#%$@#$@#@#

tgif

2010-06-12T05:23:00.004+08:00

lab test was a success.

so guess what? mom bought new beds for all of us. LOL! and my bed now is a little thicker so its like higher which is not so good bcus im afraid to fall out of bed (which sometimes i do bcus i dream alot and dreaming makes you loose control. ok crap!)

been watching vampire diaries series and its soooo cool! im so addicted to vampires.. i mean.. Ian Somerhalder is on cast and as you all know, im his biggest fan. so basically yeah!! i love this show to the max! lol.

ok nights all.

lalalala

2010-06-11T01:32:00.004+08:00

omg take a look at me in this. took this few years ago(i think) LOL! so cute riggghhttt!!

hahahahhahaha!

no seriously. i look effing adorable! hahaha! (think i should cut my hair so i will look like this) LOL!

i just made the wrong move by logging into msn just now. i swear i was bombarded with diff conversations.. diff people.. i just wanted to ignore all of them but then all of them are as equally important as... idk what but yea.. important! so i had to entertain one by one.

now i have less hours of sleep. jeeezzzzz!

currently addicted to the song called If its Love by Train. SHOULD HEAR THEM! ;)

nights all.

too fast yet too slow

2010-06-10T09:44:00.004+08:00

and so i thought, how can i not finish an easy test? my brain puts on the disfunction status at a wrong time.

i really thought yesterday was the worst day of my life. like i receive tons of letters in a day! i got 3 warning letter from my respective modules and one employment letter from the bodyshop. (ok i know its not tons but it sounds like it. heh heh heh!)

well it doesnt sound so bad considering that i have been officially employed. but it does sounds nuts knowing that i got 3 warning letters at the same day. okay, 2 of them was given to me personally and the other one i got it from my mailbox. like what the eff?

its stupid.

fml. just when i thought everything was gonna be okay soon that im not gonna be late nor skip any lesson, i just did. im having a very bad bad cold right now. no idea what struck it but basically i think its the ghost that stalked me in my school toilet. HAAA. scary bull. shikin even said so.. but then again im not superstitious so nothing is gna make me believe im sick bcus of that stupid ghost. maybe im just tired.. yeaaahhh.. maybe i am. =/

ok, off to school. bye!

rant

2010-06-08T01:11:00.002+08:00

time check: 1:11am

yes im awake but i fell asleep on the early evening. so that basically explains everything :)

i feel like blogging tonight so here i go.

brother just bought a new plasma tv and xbox (idk what version. dont ask me.) so he placed them in his room. i find it kinda distracting at the same time its cool. distracting bcus i study in his room and now everyone just had to squeeze inside there for no apparent reason other than to watch some of them play a match or something plus screaming like crazy retards. especially with Najib non-stop "ATTACK2!" -.- tell me bout it. annoying much? haaaa.. probably i should join in the fun ay? but i fell asleep on the couch before i could do anything. HAHAHA! cant blame me for getting tired ya' know.

the family have been buying stuffs i dont know! i feel so out. i wanna be innnn! time for me to buy nintendo wee! so they'll go gaga over my stuff. okay i think i should probably finish my work and stop blogging.

but i have to rant about my work right now. it has been excruciatingly fatigue most of the time. no this time im really giving up on my school. i was told by my classmate that the lecturer is going to issue me a warning letter for being late and not coming in for class regularly.. sweet jesus. do i look like i give a damn? its all your fault. i mean, stop pressuring me okay! i just wanna take in everything slow. i wanna live life to the fullest FIRST. i really hope they understand.

cmon and lets face it. singaporean students ALWAYS prioritize on their studies (not that im saying its wrong) but lets get the truth out okay. its really not cool to be studying 24hours and pretending to be happy when you're actually stressing out at home tryna' memorize your bloody formula or whatever.. seriously.. GET A LIFE! you study smart. never study hard.

for me, its a total exception bcus im a lazy bumm. (yes im fully aware of that and im not going to deny the fact) so basically im going to take my sweet time handing up my work late and i wont give a hoot if my lecturers are mad at me or gonna pull my grades down. face it. im a perfectionist when it comes to creativity. i cant and i wont hand up my work if its not properly done or done progressively.

so yeah. I WONT HAND UP MY WORK! lol.

but dont worry. im working on it :)

speaking of which, i have test on thursday regarding Database Design. Chapter 6 to 8 (if im not wrong)

i'll be studying smart on that one. hehehe. dont ask me how but i have my ways ;) im so excited. lol! howww weeeiirrrrddd.

think its enough for now.

nights stalkers :)

cheeky

2010-06-06T01:10:00.008+08:00

today Dad stopped me from wearing my hot pants to work.

but i wore it anyway.

heheheheh.

work was screwed seriously. i feel really bad when Shida handled my customer's issue. bought Karen and herself chocolates from cold storage to calm them down. seriously.... i feel so so guilty about it. im so blessed to have such workmates bcus they're so.. what do you call it? briefly amazing. i've finally understood why Shikin dont wanna leave them.

and all of these must've caused due to the karma of me wearing the hot pants. HAHAHA! ok, that was a joke (shut up! i know its lame.. heh)

ya'know. i was so into my school work at the beginning. but now im so neglecting it!!! -.-

this is called-- bullshit!

night.

try

2010-06-02T23:24:00.003+08:00

aggravated and dumb-founded. hurt yet so numb. restless but tired.

can you feel me?

HIATUS

2010-05-31T01:17:00.003+08:00

i cant give a specific explanation but, im just really tired of running.

bye.

laze

2010-05-27T18:25:00.003+08:00

so i came across this blog of an american girl.

she inspired me alot truthfully and the way she expresses herself was beyond capacity. i like it :)

skipped school today. felt super lethargic due to the guests coming over at my place and they left my house at about 2am in the morning. moreover i thought it would be really boring if i attended class today. created my banner and pretended to study for abit in my room all day instead. lol! on top of that, my phone line has been deactivated (screw starhub) i have no idea why it happened. i had the urge to give them a call but then again, im not bothered to really. i wanna watch myself surviving without calling/texting anyone. bahaha!

gd day.

wrong thought

2010-05-26T01:46:00.004+08:00

i did some research and i must say i got a very hair raising result. i felt a sense of petrification running through my heart slowly at the beginning and then a poignant abide it.
then suddenly i got the urge to step forward and have a say. perhaps i could start on a small pace and then fasten it when im done with the ropes. truthfully i am utterly discouraged by the current condition. looking through it again and again just tighten my throat leaving no gaps. unfortunately i havnt done anything that could put this to a halt. i need to run fast all the way to the end in order to save my face. yeah really i need to!

anyways school was retarded. now im designing a logo for my site (i swear its the most lamest project in the entire world) i know i've finally said this after 3 weeks of working, IM DREADING IT TMR! gaud. okayokay i know rigghhhttt. i mean, i didnt have CCA back then and i swear my life was boring. all i had was school and sitting in the store. i decided to work in bodyshop and join StageArts as my CCA thinking my life would be better that way.. from the looks of it, ITS NOT! its getting hectic and gross-looking. but hey! maybe its too soon to judge. just gotta get used to things and im sure it would be much fun that way ay? keeping up with the optimism! thats the way baby! kay, im going to bed soon.
sayonara readers ;)

whhhyyyyyyyyyy???????!!

2010-05-25T00:03:00.003+08:00

cant get over it.

NO I CANT!

and you're watching me bleed obliviously.

braindead

2010-05-23T23:37:00.019+08:00

as you can see, he's always with his psp but hey! he helped me out with my school work too! thanks bacin! muke you round uh! LOL! time for a hair cut babe! seriously.. its not pretty at all.

btw I LOVE THIS ELECTRIC BLUE JACKET OF MINE! hahahahhaa! its so comfortable and it looks good on me. HAHA! k dots.

so we went to Novena and got my stuff from Emma. then headed to Orchard Road Pastamania. finally settled at Ion's coffeebean to get my work done.

anyways, thanks yatt for the dinner treat and accompanying me all the way to Novena! it would be my turn next time k ;)

we'll go to Bakerzin! LOL!

and so i have school tmr (what a dread) plus, i have sooo many things to talk about to shikin tmr! cant wait! cant wait!! alsooo, i have test early in the morning (wow) yeah.. real test. as in lab test!! kill me now seriously.

till we meet again.

nights!

so they say

2010-05-23T00:53:00.002+08:00

gaud mafias. im so durr-ainn-ed!
work was amazing. found my classmate working right across my shop. we were like chatting and stuff then she asked me if she could get a discount from my shop and i gave her that look.. you know.. that "you're-so-pathetic-to-ask-me-for-something-stupid" kinda look.. heh heh heh..
sooooooo i was told by shida abt the mystery shopper's visit.. Mel got 92% for the test!! gaud. im so going to fail when it's my turn! seriously.. do i really have to do a demo on every customer who comes in? and do i have to say, "thank you for protecting the planet (with that lovely tone)" do i have to?? really???

ok back to school yo.
school is seriously f-ed up. i went nuts when i was told that we only had 2 weeks of break. YES BREAK! not a holiday. so it means 2 weeks of studying. ewwww -.- kill me now. but thats okay i guess.. im gonna work and that means.... MORE MONEY! i've saved some money for a trip to visit my bf actually but i guess thats not going to happen bcus of this kind of bullshit that the school has arranged (plus my manager setting up the schedule for next month)

so basically life is like a poodle's dung. LOL!
speaking of which, why the hell am i blogging now? im supposed to finish up on my webpage and my marketing!
k bye.

i like tuesdays.. i guess..?

2010-05-18T22:46:00.006+08:00

today i had 5 bodyguards (appears to be in CD uniform apparently) to walk me through the MRT platform followed by boarding the train in with me. i was stuck in the middle of that 5 men. as i was struggling to squeeze myself out of that circle, the crowds was oozing themselves on the opposite side (which left me stranded there). but for a moment i felt like some VIP. the amount of attention i receive was speechless (LOL)
and that, (sort of) made my day. HAHA!

gonna do alittle revision now.
so its raining.... but im not going to fall asleep. I HAVE TEST TMR!

and im thinking of my boyfriend now.
wait.
i have been thinking of him throughout the day.
not only today but everyday.
and now im wondering if he's doing alright at this very moment. . .
god, give me the answer.
bye

angry mob

2010-05-17T23:53:00.002+08:00

i dont like you. can you just buzz away from my life? stop being an annoying orange and mind your own business. oh i so know you wanted to pull me down. you wanted to see me struggle didnt you? i have been tolerating your disgusting behavior from the very beginning and i guess i have to put this to an end.
just stop following me around will you.
take you smelly bum out of my direction.

pffftt.
and i hope you're reading this.
you know who you are.

2010-05-15T01:10:00.004+08:00

we took the path that we know would be tough but we still took it anyway albeit knowing the dire consequences. we knew our love was deeper than the core of the earth from the surface of the ocean so we vowed to sacrifice our patience, and we vowed to sacrifice our time. then you made me believe time would give us faith and distance would provide some encouragement.

though there are times when we feel like giving up as the distance penetrates our skin with a sharp agony, but we manage to pull it through because we believe in a little thing called love.

and i hope it wont end here as i pray it would last forever because i believe forever exists for one who commits.

happy 6th monthsary

ily.

rushed

2010-05-14T00:49:00.004+08:00

*edited*

been soo busy with my new job (but im loving it)

omg firstly i'd like to apologize to my dearest Hui.. i wish i could've make it tonight but i had work. i totally wanted to come! oh well.

lets see, my mind's blank now so just follow me on twitter alright.

im tired. bye!

I JUST WANNA LIVE!

2010-04-25T17:16:00.002+08:00

school = _|_

cant wait to open up the business. insyaallah yeah :)

my kitchen has been renovated! yay! next, ROOM RENOVATION!

i need to continue on my programming. oh hyea, i havnt been ranting about my programming. one word to describe my current life now, SCREWED! seriously. since when did i choose JAVA as one of my modules??????!! will you please explain to me? i NEVER EVER EVER WANNA DO JAVA! and wtcrap? networking? my gaud, you are pulling my veins out of my skin! its a killer. all i have to do now is to calm down and be optimistic! yep, thats the way.

i hate my new classmate. i want to kill every single one of them. no wait, i want to kill the person who invented education! hell, bcus of that cheeky human being, i have to be tortured in studying about lame stuffs!

kay fine. im just tired. blog soon.

give me a name

2010-04-11T20:14:00.031+08:00

i swear this was candid. i was jumping like mad woman. LOL!

omg. love this weather!

special thanks to Caryn for all the lighting effects :D

hey i took this! HAHA!

finally, bestfriends forever. LOL!

its the worst pit i've ever been to. its truueee! but we end it cool!

special thanks to Sophia for the help out, Joelynne, and everyone else who attended especially to Fandy!! thanks so much for what you did. was so touched i nearly cried throughout the night. hahah! we had police coming over and stuff. it was epic! this would be one of the memorable day of my Poly life! cheychey. hahaha. i love you all! kinda upset bcus Zawee and the gang didnt make it :( but oh well. next hang out, ZOUK OUT!! (macam paham) hehehe.

i have my whole week planned out. please dont do anything that would make me change any of my plans. and i want the week to move slower!! school is starting soon!! im not ready to study yet. hahaha. still on a holiday mood ;)

oh well. gonna have an early night.

gdnight :D

little by many.

2010-04-02T21:11:00.004+08:00

i wish i had pictures to post bcus.... I HAVE BEEN HAVING SO MUCH FUN!! hehehe..

but ohh wells, i dont really know how to start.

im totally broke now, but im sure my brother will give me some money bcus i have been sucha good sister to him. my bank acc is left with 6 thousand cents. HAHAAH! so hopefully he'll transfer few hundreds for me to survive for the month :) besides, my sister said she'll pay me back for what she owed me the other day. i hate this temptation of shopping! i mean, if you see a cute dress or a top, you'll just go gaga and take it right? how could you not? lol! not only that, shopping for food is another thing you cant control. i can spend 100 bucks on food in one day and want to taste everything but the bad part is, i dont finish them. ahaha.

i caught When In Rome like last week and i guess you guys should watch it too! great movie (for those who's interested in chick slash romantic slash amusing kinda flick) its guhd (Y)

you guys should not watch Remember Me. its draggy, and boring! oh! im gonna catch Clash of the Titans soooon! (i hope) haha.

lets update on what happened last night. went sheesha with a couple of "unknown people" i had to accompany shikin (even when the both of us dont sheesha). kessiiaaaannn die! hahaha. so we went there and i we played truth or dare. i called for a dare when it was my turn. you know what i had to do initially? kiss any part of haikal's body and wish him "happy birthday honey" i totally laughed my ass off and covered my face looking red! seriously..? that was beyond nuts. i meant the kissing part. lol! so in my head i was cursing. wtf? i have a boyfriend. no way im doing that. besides, kisses are not cheap! thank god for giving me some mercy, Ryan changed his ways and told me to blow Haikal a kiss instead (heaves a sigh) lol! but it was hilarious. haha.

the night ended crap bcus of this woman... okay im not going to blog about her. lol. but who the hell is she to give me the pathetic face? hah. jealous? to think i was the cause of Jaja and Yatt's arguements? hello! yatt is my bestfriend and i have been running away from him ever since people misunderstood us. but i do miss him and im planning to have a meet up soon! got lots of things to share! and i dont care anymore of what is in any of your heads. how ironic, i said i wont blog about her, but i just did -.-

speaking of missing people, the one person i miss most is my boyfriend.

i dont know why but we havnt really talk much and i dont know whats the cause of it. i want to talk to him tonight so bad :( i want to share and rant and laugh with him in the middle of the night before i go to sleep. i want to smile gleefully when im sleeping. lol.

finallyyyy! my dad is going to help us in designing our kitchen and i cant wait for it!

all i can say is, Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah S.W.T for making this happen :) thank you!

off for late supper.

nights ;)

bombastic!

2010-03-31T13:41:00.003+08:00

life is getting better these days :)

im keeping myself busy which is good :D i feel the need to jump for joy! omg. so many events are going on and i cant wait to be a part of it. im thinking of going for Stage Arts audition during the orientation for freshies. still contemplating about it tho.

and SLEEPOVERS SOON!!! :)

was having a deep conversation with papa last night.

i rather keep this to myself.

laters.

BOOYAH!

2010-03-28T23:26:00.004+08:00

i just felt like blogging tonight.

i think i might be loosing my job bcus of what happened just now. haaa, but whatever! im not going to talk about it bcus its not worth the mention.

soooooo, i got my bills today. and guess what? it blew my guts off.... literally.. so you guys can guess how nuts it is. yeah.. hahaha. oh well, lets just give it a laugh ;)

first and foremost (i know its not the first but wth) i'd like to apologize to all my faithful readers. i havnt been updating alot (yes, i do take note of that.) its not really cus im busy or what. more of me being lazy. haaa. yes, indolence got over me. cant help it honestly.

NO PICTURES!! bcus im still finding my ways to get a new camera. i need to shop as well!! speaking of getting new things, i have my bills to worry about. gaud. i sound like some working adult when im still... A TEENager. what? i still am you know. nineTEEN! there ya go! there's a teen down there. so duncha think i aint a teenager no more okay. hehe. i miss secondary school days when you have nothing to worry about just to concentrate on your studies and live life to the fullest. atm, you have the most amazing friends you can ever ask for around you and living is not as complicated as you think it is.... sometimes i wonder if i could ask for a special request to roll the tapes back. haah! and that would NEVER happen. -.-

i know i havnt complete catching up with my old buddies. people whom i've promised to during my holidays.. but i really havnt got the time to meet anyone really. not only am i converting into a slug, but honestly speaking, im way too lethargic to meet anyone. so i'll just find the time to do it okay. trust me, its gonna be soon!

OKAAAYYYY! so guess what happened to me just now, this guy came in the store and was checking if there was anyone around (fortunately for him, there isnt) so he directly proceeded to the counter, bulged his head like some cartoon freak and said, "hi, i find you very attractive and you have a very nice figure. im looking for a masseuse and from what i see, you have the potential to become one *scanned over my body* would you like to take up the offer?" i swear i didnt see that coming so my jaws were opened and i was like, "errrrr.. wth.", cleared my throat and said a firm no! and he continued (with his freaky voice) "ohh, bcus its really a pity that you cant work for that. you have a very nice figure and i find you really attractive (gaud, he repeats that sentence for billions of times) and i will pay you $2000 a month" haah! like what? selling my body off? sheeesse. no respect for WOMAN AT ALL! lol. i snickered and told him off again and again and agaaaiiinn..

ohh, and guess what? he then finally said, "okay then, but if you have anyone who is interested you might want to give me a call yeah. soooo... *looks over the counter as if he was looking for a pen and paper to drop off his number* can i have your number in anyways?" the hell? he was asking me to contact him but then he's asking for my number? good trick. i wonder if thats a pick up line or something. men this days are horrible i tell you! they have turned to bcome the most insane beast in the universe. hahaha. but to my bf, youuuu arreee... the only exception (song picked up by paramore) hahahaha!! OKAY FINE! im entertaining myself. but the highlight is, he said i have a great body. HAHAHA! OMG! i hope caryn is reading this! hahahhaha! :P anyways. i gotta sleep soon.

nights all,

girls just wanna have fun

2010-03-22T00:32:00.028+08:00

hi. i realize that i tweet more than i blog. heh. but anyways, went to Henderson Wave just now and took lots of photos. more pictures will be out soon on facebook that is. lol.

CANDID! (munching on ruffles, adjusting my tankie)

HAHAHAHAH! (Y)

shikin is so cute! lol

i think im falling for Shikin. i get jealous everytime she's with Ilyan. like i want her all by myself! wakakakaka! and no, its not a lesbian thing. lol!

well well, date for the pit has been decided and we have chosen 8th of April! woohoo! i cant wait. i cant wait. I CANT WAIT! :D

before i leave, i'd like to express my gratitude towards Anil in short. (LOL)

i was completely moved by what you said. it teared me up like a silly baby. eventhough we're both busy, we still share stuff like how we used to :) AND YOU SHOULD COME TO HENDERSON WAVE!!! lmao xD

alright, nights.

BEE-e-ay-youteefool!

2010-03-10T22:58:00.012+08:00

i can say that im pretty much am enjoying my holidays (:

ice skated with shikin the other day it was FUNNNNNNNNNN!

im officially a pro in ice skating..... NOTT! hahahaa.. i need to learn how to glide better :) yess! GLIDE! lol. i wanna glide on ice. wakakka :P

went to aunt's place and then spent time with mother and that little kid = great day.

thats najib. he did his uhmm.. what do you call that? uhmm.. painting? haha! its like baked painting. i dont know how to explain.. heeh. go figure it. najib dragged us to dine in at this expensive restaurant. i knowww, what a notorious boy! and we had Anderson's ice cream for dessert. you guys should taste them.

me and ibu were gossiping and we did shopping too! heeeheee! she bought for me this top and i like her taste :)

the other day i was laying on the bed with my sister and then the conversation was about my dream and we both sounded sleepy so we spoke without much expression or enthusiasm. and it goes like this...

me: i was running and then all of a sudden i found myself floating on air

kakak: abeh?

me: i flew

kakak: abeh?

me: abeh aku fly..

BAHAHAHAH! damn that was really retarded. ps: abeh means something like.. "and then?"(LOL) ohoh! another one..

kakak: what do i have to say to Joanne? i dont want to work for the whole week of next week.

me: you should say, "joanne. can i not work for the whole of next week?"

kakak: and if she ask me why?

me: just say, "no reason"

LOLLL! ok, this may not be funny but really.. imagine if your manager ask you why do you want to take a few days of leave and then you go like, "no reason". hahahah! that would be epic. heh!

we're like soooo bimbotic these few days you know. and its hilariously dumb.

wait wait. the last one.. okay, i was sleepy and so was she.. i wanted to tell her about a story.. so this is what i said, but before that, try replacing the *mumbles* with something that sounds like.. nehnehneh nehnehnehh.. LOL! k read!

me: you know.. he ..*starts to mumble*... tido.

kakak: abeh?

me: and then.. *mumbles* ... tido. *mumbles*.. tido..

kakak: eh?

me: beh.. *mumbles* tido...

kakak: *remain silent for some time*

me: oi!

kakak: ah?

me: kau dengar tak?

kakak: huh? ape tido tido tido??

me: hah? ntah? ape aku bual ah?

HAHAHAHHAHA! omg. damn stupid laa. we're both sleepy yet we still insist in talking. hahah! thats just how talkative we are (Y) but its all good bcus we manage to keep each other company every night and then we would laugh before going to sleep. hahaha. its just.. awesome :) i love her so much. haha.

how funny bcus we werent close last time. i used to hate her bcus of the way she treats my mom etc and then i would say something like.. "disowning" her as my sister.. idk. lol. yeah. we werent that close. didnt like each other. somehow we grew closer and whattaya know? she's like my very bestfriend. we trust each other so much more than we used to. its similar to us getting glued, literally attached. funny ay?

i used to hate and never acknowledge her when i hear her footsteps right after she came back home from somewhere but now, i would get really excited and then i would invite her into the house. lol! really.. i totally did that. unless im doing something important that is. haha!

oh guess what? i think facebook is soooo boring nowadays. maybe bcus i havnt been on it for sooo long and then im sooo used to not having it or whatever.. hahaha. its all good, thanks to Ega. hehe :)

ok i guess i've talk pretty much alot today. bcus... IM ON A GOOD MOOD! hehe!

gdnight everyone.

ps: happy birthday Nuratika bte Mamat :D

i just cant get enough

2010-03-04T01:43:00.004+08:00

dear john was an upsetting movie. dang i wasted a whole lott of tears in that theatre. honestly it reminded me so much of myself and the state im in right now. but poor girl she should've waited really. you know how much i envy couples who gets to meet each other every day or the very least, once every week. you guys should treasure every moment you have with your partner. i mean, i dont understand why (some people i know, *not naming anyone*) they tend to argue alot. its fine to argue but some tiny issues are just a waste of time to fight about. damn it, you guys should spend that time laughing or giggling and being comfortable with each other instead of frowning and deciding who should speak first, looking nasty. seriously.

apologizing is not about who's fault isit and who started the fight, its all about putting your ego's aside bcus you value your relationship more than your ego.

anyway, i spent quality time with my mom and fav sis. mother asked me why i wanted to come along and i told her i miss her, she smiled gleefully. haha!

i thought i saw Hanif on my way back home and gave him a call to check if it was him. and wow. IT WAS HIM! boy he sure looked different. i cant believe he grew so fat and chubby now... NOT! haha. no im not being mean but he looks as if he gained some weight which is good bcus he doesnt look scrawny like before :D

told Hui im not going clubbing bcus i've made a promise not to anymore. HAHA! so we'll prolly have dinner together :)

i havnt talk about my papers but yeah. basically i think im gna flunk my COS theory exam bcus the paper was ridiculously tough. i swear to god that the paper was filled with the most unreasonable questions that are insanely out of the human intellectual capacity! i just wanted to die in the exam hall... no, im serious.. i really wanted to die in there. at least i dont have to go through any pain. i could be a ghost and roam anywhere i like.. ha ha ha. funny -.-

i've been opening up myself back again and im hoping to get "Me" back.

night lovelies.

you're a fool

2010-02-26T00:07:00.002+08:00

he just came back home and reeks of alcohol.
COMPLETELY WASTED.
just grow fat and die in hell. seriously.

oh, its wednesday!

2010-02-24T23:15:00.006+08:00

Huge controversy. eye contact filled with tremendous intimidation. pressure pushing right through each other's head. stuttered words seems completely vague. not comprehensive for even a simple language that was spoken in. confusion takes over. clock hands are moving slowly. a dull rhythm with an ironic anticipation. emotions interfered and baffled conclusions debates each other.

false information. it tends to be the cause of it.

Deception. whats the whole point of lying to the person you love? trying to prolong the value of oneself? what if it doesnt really matter who you are or what are you trying to be? to love someone is to truly love their soul. you dont care about how/what they look like or how they behave. as long as its sincere, pure. it happens when the feeling is mutual. you dont have to go overboard to ensure the abidance of your status bcus it will lead to disastrous outcome. and whose false isit? YOU. blame it on yourself and stop pointing fingers.

Trust. putting one's trust into someone's hand is jeopardizing yourself. treasure the value trust and people will treasure you.

i was told about one's perspective. and i gave it a deep thought.

STRUGGLE.

why do we have to go through it everytime when we know how shitty it is? it seems to hard to be handling everything on your own even though you know there is always someone you can talk to. at the end of the day, you go through it on your own. you face it all by yourself. well, these are facts.

to ignore situations is like being irresponsible. but sometimes you need to fill yourself with blithe than to deal with dramatic cases. life is too short for drama!

oh bull. Ronald is calling me. fml. nights!

who knew

2010-02-23T23:15:00.003+08:00

Dear Anil,

i hope you're okay in school. and i want to kill those people who irritates you! lol. awwww, dont be mad anymore okay? here, have some happy pills! :D and always remember, YOU HAVE ME ;)

i want to rant my lungs out but words got stuck in between my fingers (causing the difficulty of me typing bout it. lol. k dots) i cant wait to meet Huinara! LOL! and omg. lots of catching up to do. im so tired and im too lazy to get online but i did just to check my emails and... BLOG. oh well. chatted with Zawee on the phone just now. we had a great conversation regarding... (stuffs you shouldnt know) hehehe!

ps: stop saying that he's cute. he's not!!!!!! =.=

im having my Maths paper tmr. wish me luck anyone? tsk.

nights!

dont stop. BELIEVING! (glee)

2010-02-22T23:50:00.008+08:00

went to Fandy's place just now with Jake, Zawee and Marcus. was awesome. his place was well designed by his dad (Y) was walking down the pavement just now and a weird girl said hi to me. i have no idea why but these few days, people are getting really RANDOM. i mean like people i dont even know are talking to me as if they've known me for 10 years. wth? ahh, am i that amiable now? i thought i always have this snooty look? *shrugs* we didnt really manage to study much bcus boys will be boys! ended up talking to them about our upcoming chalet and some unnecessary stuffs. lol.

after which, met Haz and Mahmood then headed back home. im really tired. not gonna sleep tonight. REVISION STARTS NOW!

oh, forgot to update this, went out with my korean buddy (macam paham korean). this fat guy here is extremely irritating! (and i know i look fat here too) thanks for the teddy (tho i dont like teddies much, i appreciate the thought) and i hope you dont get annoyed by me and my stories about my darling Ega :D lol!

speaking of my sweetheart, mr postman was on time. haha! ;) yeap. i got my darling boxing shorts from Everlast.. so yeah. you have no idea how much i really wanted to get the gloves but Ilyan kept on insisting i should get him the shorts instead as he said Muay Thai doesnt need boxing gloves for tournaments etc (but Ega said he uses it for his training -.-). ohh wells. i hope you like them baby! :)

i've got a soul but im not a soldier

2010-02-19T00:55:00.002+08:00

I MISS YOU SWEETHEART! lol.

sorry i dont have any pictures to upload on blogger regarding my birthday event as my camera suck real bad. I WANT A NEW CAMERA! lol. but anyways it was a pleasant one :) i am so touched that shikin bought for me TheBodyShop perfume and the wave bronzer that i wanted to get (but didnt manage to). i love it alot!! didnt expect her to get those for me :D mwwahh! i love you shikin! hehe!

had dinner with fandy just now and we shared alot of stuffs! prolly meeting him again tmr.

and im heading to town with Dean tmr as well.

i'll have to study on the weekends!

and i havnt met haz for soooooooooooooo long. we havnt hang out much!!!!! we're supposed to hang out tmr but ohh well. im going to meet her after my exams! which is like the week after next week. lol. *shrugs*

have a great night kids.

eve

2010-02-15T23:36:00.003+08:00

im pretty touched by those who rmbred my bday.

someone whom im not close with actually got me a cute gift. im sooooo moved!!!!! seriously.. awwwwww.. :) lol!

everyone was wishing me through msn and texts :) i receieved about 42 texts!! wtf? i dont even know who are they and just thanked them! hahaha! as i said.. lost my contacts.. heeh.

but seriously, its the thought that counts.

i miss nasran! been so long since we hung out. he's busy with his NS. so we hardly meet now.

and anil was being sucha sweetbag. he count-downed till the clock strikes 12 midnight and wished me. awwwwww..

i forgot to mention this but my sec-school gfs made an adv bday surprise for me, tricked me by informing about lydia's tumor condition -.- LOL! awwww, appreciate it guys. tho i was very tired at that moment. heh ;)

atika gave me a text. im moved too :) few of my friends gave me adorable and weird gifts. hahahaha. im really blessed to have them. i thought no one would rmbr. lol!

i dont bother about presents. its the thought that counts.

and all i want is his presence but i guess its impossible. hahaha.

thanks everyone. sorry if i didnt mention some of your names here. not showing any favoritism but yeah. im forgetful. hah! Amalina invited me to Powerhouse tmr. idk if i should club.

mwah! lotssaa love!

so many things to do so little time

2010-02-11T22:58:00.004+08:00

i got myself a new phone. heh. presenting.... SAMSUNG CORBY PRO! k dots -.-

i like it bcus its touch-screen cum sidekick based. which equals to cool shit (Y) i like it alot :) didnt get nokia bcus my sister said nokia suck balls. lol! and i guess i got this on my own for my birthday. HAHAHAHAHA! omg. so pathetic -.- LOL! k shut up. heee!

please text me your new number bcus i lost everyone's contact! heh. thanks alot. and no prank calls please. Erfan gave me one just now. im so angry at him. nb. LOL!

im not really feeling over the moon that i got something new. im feeling rather strained.

i rushed back home today again. sorry to keep you waiting.

sigh, i needa bake brownies now.

blog soon.

curses

2010-02-09T17:54:00.003+08:00

im down with fever -.- my whole entire body is aching and it sucks :(

ohh, for those who tried to contact me or whatever... im so sorry i cant be reached bcus..

well MY PHONE IS DEAD. and im not saying that its dead without battery or its not charging or whatever.. i mean, its not working anymore! :( HURHURHUR! shikin tried to take a pic using my phone and suddenly it stopped working and shut off on its own. -.- my phone suck balls.

i need a new phone but im broke liao :( im sad :(( very sadddd :((

why did it gave up on me when im broke?!!! hurhurrr. itouch, here i come. LOL! nah, im not gna get that. everyone has it -.- i thought of getting that N97 mini but its expensive! so prolly gna get nokia e72? heh. i dunno *shrugs*

i'll survive without my phone for a month. HAHAH! (rriiigggghhhttt =.=)

geehaws!

2010-02-08T00:08:00.005+08:00

i was having this convo with Nazree and he texted me this (not knowing that his number is in my phone)

Nazree: B, Ega here. Why you call me pantat? Sent to wrong people eh?

HAHAHAHAHAHA!! hilarious much! i was laughing my ass off. that is soo not my Ega and i text him back saying that Ega would never text me in Singlish at all as he doesnt know how to. only proper english. so this was his second attempt,

Nazree: Sweetheart, Ega's here. *hearts* Did you like happened to text your friend but instead, you texted me? Uhmm, was it intentional or what?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!! OH MY GAUD! what the hell! LOL!! and again, so not my Ega way of texting. LOL!
gdnight everyone ;)

slow beat

2010-02-07T17:16:00.009+08:00

thank god after sucha long time from not getting anything new for my closet, finally.. and i meant like finally... I WENT SHOPPING YESTERDAY! got lots of stuff for myself and i got something for Ega on Friday. thank you Shikin and Ilyan for the help out. mwah! love you guys. heee :) to conclude from the shopping spree, im officially broke. hurhur! i wish money would fall from the sky. lol!

and and andd i cant wait to see his expression when he receive it. hahha. im really really hoping he would like it :) spent days contemplating on the gift. if he doesnt like it, i would be really disheartening. lol.

our family still havnt make any decisions regarding the concept for our kitchen yet -.- yes. we'll be renovating our kitchen perhaps on our living room as well. im not too sure though.

sigh, sometimes i feel that my efforts are not being appreciated by mom. yeah i know its the norm for them to push us etc but seriously. the exertion is not being notified. and its equivalent to throwing something you love down the massive rapid.

kaabooyah!

2010-02-04T19:04:00.011+08:00

hi. im yanney the whore. LOL! nah, just kidding ;)

Eric told me something very supportive today. always being nice and never fail to make me laugh all the time. i feel loved. thanks buddy :)

i baked today.

i camwhored today as im advertising for this sweater by EDC, esprit. thats why my face couldn't be seen. wakakaka!

ewww, damn i look skinny :(

so who wants to buy this? :D

can i have an iPad?

2010-02-03T23:41:00.003+08:00

ps: im planning sth for Vday.

like oh mah gaud. lol. i want ipad so much. call me a freak or whatever but seriously. i think its a must have item. nah, im not kidding. IM DEAD SERIOUS!

i havnt been shopping for so long. siggghhh..

my birthday is coming and im gna turn 19 :( im not looking forward in becoming a year older AT ALL. ewwww, im growing old :(

coping

2010-02-01T15:38:00.003+08:00

im observing the crowds every move.

emotions surged through the four chambers.

it seems pretty difficult to capture it all at once.

and i thought,

do i even exist in the picture?

when of all times do i appear?

would my presence ever vanish in an instant?

im running in circles repeatedly.

how funny. i dont remember doing it.

choked

2010-01-30T23:23:00.002+08:00

who am i and who am i trying to be?

i've lost it all and i've lost myself.

im just........... under alot of pressure.

please understand. thank you.