ice cold showers. alone in a place where you shout and nothing comes out but silence. a place where you know you dont belong.

Its been awhile now.

This feeling is catching up on my breath. I feel like I am suffocated by all of these.
I know, it will fade away in time.

I'm not feeling it anymore. Like I don't even know if I want this.

And when I said I want to be left alone, I really am being left all alone. Although I know there is so much to do, unmotivated I am.

I wish I can find someone who'll love me and give his all.

Perhaps I am still naive thinking that perfection exists. And I just can't accept it when they don't give me enough attention. Perhaps I am attention deprived. I don't know.

I don't want to fake a smile.
I just don't feel like communicating to him.
Tears me apart.

Oh, by the way, this is me. And Seumas. In London :)

With Love and constant blessings,
Yanney <3 p="">

I havnt been updating myself much as of late.

So much things have been happening to me. SO much God knows how much I've been through.
I dont know how to begin but. here goes.

As I re-read the posts, talking about my past, Byron and I. How everything was. The memories came back. Unbearable.

I did end up to see Byron last December in South Africa and it was a good experience traveling alone and seeing the world in a sense but at the same time I knew our relationship was at stake. I didnt want it anymore. As soon as I came back to Singapore, I decided to leave.

Things of course got a little out of hand after the break up. I found myself glazing over everywhere and just trying to occupy myself. In search of happiness. It was bad. We didnt end it clean. We had grudges. He still did have feelings for me. He still cared and so did I. We were still stuck on each other.

Until the day came that I decided it wasnt worth my tears nor my time. I decided to pack up and leave. I didnt want to be where I was, hanging by a thread. I hated the feeling, uncertainty.

The impromptu trip I made to London.... I met an amazing guy. Everything that happened. It was magical. I guess theres probably so much to share. Seumas, he's absolutely incredible.

The last 4 days I was in London, I was told about Byron's death by his mother. No one knew it was going to be so soon. Especially me.

I broke down to tears. God knows how I felt at that point of time. I was probably lost with Seumas right by my side. Sitting and waiting in hoping I would recover. It was hell.

I fell in love. I fell in love again with this boy I never thought I would. A boy whom I once said I'd never settle or be serious in a relationship with. A boy that lit up my life when I was alone in the dark. A boy who'd wipe away my tears and tell me he'll be there for me, and that he wanted to, genuinely. Cared for me.

Seumas and I. Im not entirely sure where we're going but. He's my present, my future. I dont know what God's plans are but. I sure do hope it will all be worth it because everyday, my feelings for him grow deeper.

Am planning to head down to London again this September. Still contemplating.

My graduation happened again this year. The people I truly wanted to be there didnt attend. I had my friends instead, and that was just a blessing. I am thankful to have such beautiful souls in my life.

I miss dad. I dont know where he is. No news. I wish you well dad. Especially in the month of Ramadhan.

And I wish you well too Byron. Be safe up there. I know you're happier and Im happy for you.

Take care all. God Bless.
xx

I knew someone else would hop in vastly. I decide to keep my option open. Realizing im back to square one, being completely unwary and uncertain of choices. I always tend to go with the flow and end up hurting myself.
Im in pain. My mind has dysfunction and it has intended me to sin. I dont want to go down that road anymore. I need a companion, not someone who'd use me. I would throw myself on someone and end up swallowing my own words. Im not interested in anything anymore.

Fuck marriage and happiness.
I doubt it exists. Dad showed me the true colors of life but my naivety never stopped me from exploring my emotions. But after the constant pain that has been inflicted on me, I soon realize that it was never gonna change. I am fit for the bill.

I'll be here, hopelessly devoted, helplessly in torment.
For hate exist through every little sparks of love.

Things have been pretty demented lately. It has changed. Words cant rectify what I'm feeling but I have lost it all.

I began to reminisce the past. How beautiful they were. How things were so robust and firm. It got me blanked out, completely off guard. I didnt know feelings could change in an instant. Decisions that are probably too hasty when everyone's involved.
Several suggestions was being brought upon and I couldnt help but to keep emphasizing on one's loss. I tried to be optimistic, perhaps there's a better view out there, perhaps someone much suitable? But I was only trying to make myself feel alright. Though I know my expectations went wild, i still knew who i was, and who i am now.

He bruised me tremendously. I never thought he would let go of something we had sacrifice so much for. For all the things we had done.
I still believe he's my soulmate. I hope he still feels the same. We might decide to end it here but god knows that im still hoping we'd reconnect in the end.
Im torn apart.

Its never about myself. It has always been about us.

It has been the most hectic week of the year! This is the photo I had with Byron when he was at the airport. My gosh he looks so handsome hey? I hope he stays the same when i go there LOL!
And i look horrible. LOLLL!