ice cold showers. alone in a place where you shout and nothing comes out but silence. a place where you know you dont belong.
there stand a man, telling you what you should do. giving you a head start. telling you to pack your bags cause its time to go.
but you dont. you dont want to leave. a part of you hate where you're at but at the same time you wish things would vanish so you could stay a little longer.
you're confused. forever torn and worn out.
music is probably the only source to keep you sane. because you're too guilty and ashamed to turn yourself again back to Him. The One who's been there for you all these while. And He's telling you, that its time to let go.......
Its been awhile now.
This feeling is catching up on my breath. I feel like I am suffocated by all of these.
I know, it will fade away in time.
I'm not feeling it anymore. Like I don't even know if I want this.
And when I said I want to be left alone, I really am being left all alone. Although I know there is so much to do, unmotivated I am.
I wish I can find someone who'll love me and give his all.
Perhaps I am still naive thinking that perfection exists. And I just can't accept it when they don't give me enough attention. Perhaps I am attention deprived. I don't know.
I don't want to fake a smile.
I just don't feel like communicating to him.
Tears me apart.
Things has been rather, complicated. With the issues I have with my family, there are times when I feel completely vulnerable and, torn. Its a feeling I havnt felt for some time. A feeling I have been neglecting for a some period. And for some reason, too much feelings and thoughts are being put through towards this whole drama.
Everyday im battling to overcome the circumstances I have to face. Every single day is like a battlefield. Its not funny as I am trying to compete with my inner self. I dont know where Im going but Im making choices and decisions impulsively. This, is unlike me. Im not like this. What has gotten into me? i have absolutely no idea. Im absurd. I guess? But thats just how things change. As the years gone by, I begin to realize how sad I am. Im not exactly happy. Im in search of inner contentment to find true happiness. But what really is contentment to me?
Oh, by the way, this is me. And Seumas. In London :)
With Love and constant blessings,
Yanney <3 p="">
I havnt been updating myself much as of late.
So much things have been happening to me. SO much God knows how much I've been through.
I dont know how to begin but. here goes.
As I re-read the posts, talking about my past, Byron and I. How everything was. The memories came back. Unbearable.
I did end up to see Byron last December in South Africa and it was a good experience traveling alone and seeing the world in a sense but at the same time I knew our relationship was at stake. I didnt want it anymore. As soon as I came back to Singapore, I decided to leave.
Things of course got a little out of hand after the break up. I found myself glazing over everywhere and just trying to occupy myself. In search of happiness. It was bad. We didnt end it clean. We had grudges. He still did have feelings for me. He still cared and so did I. We were still stuck on each other.
Until the day came that I decided it wasnt worth my tears nor my time. I decided to pack up and leave. I didnt want to be where I was, hanging by a thread. I hated the feeling, uncertainty.
The impromptu trip I made to London.... I met an amazing guy. Everything that happened. It was magical. I guess theres probably so much to share. Seumas, he's absolutely incredible.
The last 4 days I was in London, I was told about Byron's death by his mother. No one knew it was going to be so soon. Especially me.
I broke down to tears. God knows how I felt at that point of time. I was probably lost with Seumas right by my side. Sitting and waiting in hoping I would recover. It was hell.
I fell in love. I fell in love again with this boy I never thought I would. A boy whom I once said I'd never settle or be serious in a relationship with. A boy that lit up my life when I was alone in the dark. A boy who'd wipe away my tears and tell me he'll be there for me, and that he wanted to, genuinely. Cared for me.
Seumas and I. Im not entirely sure where we're going but. He's my present, my future. I dont know what God's plans are but. I sure do hope it will all be worth it because everyday, my feelings for him grow deeper.
Am planning to head down to London again this September. Still contemplating.
My graduation happened again this year. The people I truly wanted to be there didnt attend. I had my friends instead, and that was just a blessing. I am thankful to have such beautiful souls in my life.
I miss dad. I dont know where he is. No news. I wish you well dad. Especially in the month of Ramadhan.
And I wish you well too Byron. Be safe up there. I know you're happier and Im happy for you.
Take care all. God Bless.
I knew someone else would hop in vastly. I decide to keep my option open. Realizing im back to square one, being completely unwary and uncertain of choices. I always tend to go with the flow and end up hurting myself.
Im in pain. My mind has dysfunction and it has intended me to sin. I dont want to go down that road anymore. I need a companion, not someone who'd use me. I would throw myself on someone and end up swallowing my own words. Im not interested in anything anymore.
Fuck marriage and happiness.
I doubt it exists. Dad showed me the true colors of life but my naivety never stopped me from exploring my emotions. But after the constant pain that has been inflicted on me, I soon realize that it was never gonna change. I am fit for the bill.
I'll be here, hopelessly devoted, helplessly in torment.
For hate exist through every little sparks of love.
Things have been pretty demented lately. It has changed. Words cant rectify what I'm feeling but I have lost it all.
I began to reminisce the past. How beautiful they were. How things were so robust and firm. It got me blanked out, completely off guard. I didnt know feelings could change in an instant. Decisions that are probably too hasty when everyone's involved.
Several suggestions was being brought upon and I couldnt help but to keep emphasizing on one's loss. I tried to be optimistic, perhaps there's a better view out there, perhaps someone much suitable? But I was only trying to make myself feel alright. Though I know my expectations went wild, i still knew who i was, and who i am now.
He bruised me tremendously. I never thought he would let go of something we had sacrifice so much for. For all the things we had done.
I still believe he's my soulmate. I hope he still feels the same. We might decide to end it here but god knows that im still hoping we'd reconnect in the end.
Im torn apart.
Its never about myself. It has always been about us.
It has been the most hectic week of the year! This is the photo I had with Byron when he was at the airport. My gosh he looks so handsome hey? I hope he stays the same when i go there LOL!
And i look horrible. LOLLL!
honestly miss this truckloads. I love my Byron so very much I swear I do. You guys should know by now.
and it has been such a crazy 4 months I had without him by my side. It's horrible. I dont have anyone to lye on the shoulders to, to literally cry on, someone to accompany me go anywhere in the world.
The crazy times we had in Sentosa, almost every date at VivoCity was our favourite thing. We would have ice cream and watch the sun set, late night movies, sleepovers! My god, he's one of the only guy I have spent half of my life with. Friends who found me so happy, stoked, never before seen happiness. I am truly happy with him.
There are ofcourse the bad times like us fighting, so embarrassing to think of it. But we still stick through. The only one who would say its okay to me when im not being myself. Who would constantly be there for me, listen. He listens. Thats what I need the most, someone who listens to me. Even when im speaking so gibberish, he would be angry at me and all he would listen and keep calm.
Someone who would know every little truth about me and still looks at me the same way he did the very first time we met.
We were like in other words "siamese twins". Wherever see me, you'll see him, wherever you see him, you'll see me. He was more than just a boyfriend or a boyfriend. I never felt this way towards someone so strong. The love and devotion he gave me was beyond description. Its nothing ordinary. It was bedazzling. Someone who would lose his job for me. Someone who takes care of me instead of my own family. Someone who would run 11km in the middle of the night just to see me, someone who would honestly take care of me like im his baby, his child? He dotes on me so much. No one would treat their gf like their wife but he does. And he's always happy to say that im his wife when we havnt even make it official. haha.
I have been staying at home for way too long when he's away nevertheless Im looking forward for December to come. Its gonna be super duper crazy. I know so.
Its going to be a thrill ride.
He's gonna be there for me 24 hours in 30 days. He's gonna be there.
I love him more than anything in the world.
my one and only <3 p="p">