im at the point where i slowly stop to believe. as im drowned with baffled contemplation. im standing at the same stance, motionless.

you know when you got that strong connection with someone and that someone feels the same way as you do, but his feelings deliberately turned into a thing called love.

i mean, love is very wide topic to discuss about. and i could even tell what type of love he had for me. it was like a friendship, brotherhood-kinda love. which irks me bcus my type of love for him was totally different, something stronger. it was a love that needs affection.

i mean, its really hard for me to feel this kind of attraction towards someone and i do towards him. i feel i could be myself, i could be me anytime i want. i could just throw my hands up and just let my hair off the knot. you know what i mean?

the chemistry we had is just beyond capacity unfortunately distance is another matter. i hate the fact that im always being placed at this state. and sometimes i dont get it why i just cant connect with some local guy? its seems so difficult and my head is telling me how impossible it is repeatedly.

i am weird. i know.

remember the time when i thought Ega was the right one for me? yeah like i said, I THOUGHT HE WAS. but i figured he couldnt accept the gradual change that strucks me everytime. he hates changes. but thats who i am. i cant deny for the fact that i love to change my style and personality like how i change the casing of my contact lens. only a hypocrite would say they never change. bcus people do. its just what type of change it is. it could be physically, mentally, emotionally.. depends.

then i realize, i have known Eric for close to 5 years now. we skyped and all, and he never fails to humor me. he never stops emailing. he treats me like im so important to him. i could feel it. and to differentiate between him and Ega, i'd say Eric is open to changes. he willings to accept the other party's flaw. he tries to put in effort. probably bcus of the age gap? Eric is slightly more matured than Ega is. Eric is my definition of a true friend. he's the type who would suggest things to me and if i dont like it, he would ask me what would i wanna do without getting offended. whereas Ega wants it his way. and if he doesnt get it, he will get upset and will do the reverse psychology like, "yeah, its cool. im used to it" then i thought, if you're so used to it, you really dont have to mention it to me, you know?

to make it short, i could feel sincerity in Eric, but not in Ega.

and at the time when Eric told me how much he wants me to be happy, and how much he deeply cared about me, my heart stops for that moment and for that moment, i just wished he was mine. i just wished i was there with him, spending crazy time together, drowning into more. you know? just enjoying his company.

the most painful thing is to know that he's dating this girl and is consider to be in a serious relationship with her. i dont know. it was painful the first time he broke the news to me. but i think i could accept the fact that me and him could never happen and that i should be happy for him. i mean, thats what true love is right. you're happy when the person you love is happy. its like a natural gesture. thus you expect less.

i, honestly have no feelings for anyone else. my heart has turned into a stone (how cliche)

i'll just be the one waiting outside the line... i guess.

i need a miracle.